Ah, pregnancy. Such a magical time in a woman’s life. Your hair gets thicker, your boobs get enorm, and you radiate the joy and peace that is the miracle of life.

And we’re so happy for you, and your addition, and the newest member of your family, and your little bundle of joy, and the adventure you’re embarking on, and this exciting time for you and your partner, and the growth of your family, and your health, and your fertility. But sadly, there are a number of ways that you can — unwittingly, of course, you’re an expectant mother! — use your happiness to ruin everyone else’s. Here, to help you avoid that, are some (social) dos and don’ts of having a baby:


  • Announce your pregnancy to the world via whatever social media outlet you prefer to utilize.
  • Find new mommy-friends, who can sympathize and appreciate what you’re going through!
  • Buy as much pregnancy clothing as you want, and decorate the shit out of your nursery, and then invite us, your friends, over to see it.
  • Eat everything in sight. Brag about it, even. We’re for it. We’re jealous, but not in a bad way. We just wish that we could eat three entrees at brunch and people would smile knowingly at us instead of gawking incredulously.
  • Give birth, announce it to the world, post a few pictures online (none with blood or pus, thank you!) and retreat into mommy world for a while.


  • Tell your friends who don’t want kids that “they’ll know when the time is right.” No. No, they won’t, because they don’t want kids.
  • We know you can’t help it, but please try not to overuse that inner-peace, mother-earth grin you’ve been perfecting. It’s incredibly irritating.
  • Do the weekly growing-belly shot on Facebook.
  • I’m on the fence about this — I don’t mind an ultrasound photo on Facebook, but some people, it must be said, are wildly against it.
  • …forget that there are still people out there who don’t want to read about each and every poop, its consistency and whether or not it got on your finger.