I don’t know about you, but I’ve reached the point now where I think in Facebook status updates. “Too much pumpkin pie in the house!,” I imagine emblazoned across the top of my profile, as I plunge a fork directly into the heart of a pastry. “Good thing I have my dog to tell me it’s 5:00!,” I opine in my head, as the day draws to a close with the sound of a bark.

It’s these kinds of thoughtful meanderings that have left me considering how many Facebook status updates no one gives a shit about — and the answer is, most of them.

But some are even less interesting than others! Here, in my humble opinion, are the top 5 least interesting Facebook status updates. Feel free to leave your additions in the comments:

  1. “Cooked a turkey!” This most mundane of activities — the preparation of one of your three to five daily meals — does not deserve to be documented any more than other mundane activities, like taking a crap. If you document crapping, document your meals. Otherwise, don’t.
  2. “…is bored.” Have you ever heard the expression, “if you’re bored, you’re boring?” Well, if you’re so bored that you feel the need to tell 300 of your closest friends, by my calculations that makes you boring times 300. You should be ashamed.
  3. “Feeling sick, again.” If you have to write this, you have claimed malaise too many times. People should only hear about your sickness when you are actually sick. No one — really, no one — cares that you have another very minor headache that will clear up once you get your hands on some Advil.
  4. “…left the cleaning to her husband…and now the floor looks worse!” Don’t use social networking sites as a platform to advance ignorance and antiquated gender stereotypes. You are the problem.
  5. “Tommy finally pooped in the potty!” The faux pas that is posting about your child’s first successful shit in the toilet has been written about ad nauseam, but it bears repeating. There. Repeated.