kate middleton

God, I’m sorry, I just find this royal birth watch business a bit boring. I mean, we know what’s going to happen, right? She’s going to have a baby. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it will inherit the throne, one day, like a bajillion years from now, because the royals live FOREVER. I suppose there’s some suspense to whether it will be a boy or a girl, or if they will name it Diana, but not enough. But take heart! These completely unexpected things could happen.

  • The baby could be born an elf.
  • I do not mean the baby might have pointed ears, I mean the baby might emerge from Kate’s womb cluching a hammer, wearing a tiny hat, and bearing a message from Queen Mab (the one true Queen).
  • The baby could be named Beelzebub
  • The baby could actually be Beelzebub, the grooviest of the 7 princes of Hell, thus ushering in the end times.
  • The baby could actually be Beelzebub (I guess we’d tell by the eyes?) and rather than ushering in the end times, he’s forced to live in the human world and learn our ways while silently and hilariously plotting. I guess Family Guy sort of covered that plot, though, so it’s not 100% original.
  • The baby could learn to walk two hours after being born, like a horse.
  • The baby could be a horse.
  • The baby could emerge upon a horse, as one might expect King Arthur, the one true ruler of the realm to do, with Queen Mab by his side.
  • The baby could be a mutant
  • The baby could be Magneto, and just start levitating various metal objects.
  • The baby could be the reincarnation of Winston Churchill, and emerge clutching a tiny cigar.

Minus the tiny cigar bit, I imagine the last one is most likely, because babies do look a lot like Winston Churchill.

Picture via Getty