Besides the obvious sociopolitical issues we frequently discuss here, there are two things make me more frustrated than nearly all others:

  1. Disingenuous organizations, communication and relationships.
  2. The overuse or misuse of “literally.”

In an email forwarded to Gawker from a sorority member who was probably terrified of having her name published, both of these are strikingly prevalent. The lengthy message details the feelings of one young woman (a leader in her chapter, I assume) who took to email to tear into all the members of her sorority whom she’s deemed “retards.” Their crime: being “fucking awkward and boring” in front of a fraternity whom the total psycho wordsmith feels is incredibly important to their lives.

The writer/ranter/horrible demon lady begins like this:

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride… I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING.

Uh, literally being so fucking awkward and so fucking boring that…what? They’re just literally awkward and boring? I’ve been sad and happy before; I don’t think I’ve ever felt it necessary to call myself “literally sad.” I was literally hungry today, I guess, but I’m not sure if I need the adverb there.

She then threatens to “find [them] on campus” to punch them. This is the first of multiple threats, which I can only imagine are just select examples of this completely absurd human being’s violent emotions toward others. Eventually, she goes on to detail her frustrations (i.e. horror, disgust, etc.) at her sorority sisters for wanting to hang out with one another rather than talk to Sigma Nu, a fraternity that the writer seems to believe is the key to their fucking futures.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM… Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.

Sisterhood: You bond with one another, you avoid hanging out excessively with dudes you aren’t interested in, I punch you. It’s almost too easy!

But wait, there’s more: she wants to know if her sisters/friends/punching bags are — well, a word I prefer not to say because it’s derogatory and out-of-date and totally inappropriate.

Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events.

How kind! She’s looking out for her friends. Like, literally, guys. LITERALLY. You had no idea she was ~*so srs*~ until she said literally all in caps, too, right? Up until that point, I thought she was just having a good chuckle.

Of course, Delta Gamma members have also been destroying the writer’s life by being nice to other members of Greek life, which is apparently sacrilegious and vile. Fortunately, she’s there to keep them in line.

I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports, but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well… NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT.

Well, duh, everybody knows that bitter people are way more appealing than kind, intelligible, rational ones. And your punishment for disobeying?

 I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Pictured: Mean girl’s case for sanity.

This was the point in the letter than the writer went from being a terrifyingly angry person, but now I believe she is genuinely disturbed. I can’t imagine any sort of action that somebody else could do — let alone things so incredibly banal and harmless as not hanging out with guys at an exchange or cheering for a different team — that would render them worthy or receiving actual violent threats. Honestly, this person should not only be kicked out of her sorority and school, she deserves to be put under some sort of observation. It is not okay to threaten people this way, and she is doing it with striking bravado, as though being violent is not only acceptable but also something to be proud of.

She finishes the email with a request (i.e. demand) toward all members who “can’t” be unsportsmanlike or hang out with people they may not dig — which she calls being a “goddamn boner” — to leave, because she “would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots.”

For the record, during college, I lived with multiple members of sororities and am in a professional fraternity myself — this is not how Greek life is supposed to work. You are not supposed to threaten violence toward your sisters and brothers.

By the way, the apparent goal of Delta Gamma, in accordance to their website, is to offer “to women of all ages a rich heritage based on principles of personal integrity, personal responsibility and intellectual honesty. Its primary purpose is to foster high ideals of friendship, promote educational and cultural interests, create a true sense of social responsibility, and develop the finest qualities of character.”

I expect the sorority will see a huge influx during rush week.

Photo: Jawbreaker (1999)