I hate everything.

Ahhh, reality television. The place where people who never really became famous can maintain that same level of non-fame forever. On this edition of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire For No Reason,” some guy Vanilla Ice is going to be changing his lifestyle on a new show on the DIY Network about going Amish in Ohio as the saddest douchebag in entertainment a non-Amish person.

But Sam, I hear you softly whimper, won’t that conflict with Vanny’s newest and best project ever, Vanilla Ice Lighting? You know, Sam, the one where he designs affordably sexy fixtures in 24 inch, 28 inch and sconce versions?

Yes, my hypothetically outraged readers, yes. He will no longer be able to utilize his talents as an interior designer, because that probably did not make him very much money and he misses exploitative reality shows and making a caricature out of humanity.

Vanilla Ice will “be Amish” (well, during the 12 hours they will likely be filming each day). His only comforts and company from the outside world? Cameras, cinematographers, producers, boom operators, craft services (Red Vines!), trailers, production coordinators, ADs…basically nothing and no one. ¡Pobrecito!

Okay, but seriously, I really wish we lived in a world where people got fired for even suggesting ideas like, “What if we stuck Vanilla Ice in an Amish community?” We can only hope they don’t exploit the community’s members as much as most reality shows tend to do when filming unconventional lifestyles, lest the DIY Network becomes the new TLC.

I mean, c’mon television people: anybody whose Wikipedia article holds the sentence, “He is a Juggalo and a vegetarian” really, really does not deserve a show of his own.

Photos: Getty Images.