We weren’t Dolphin, Unicorn or Horse girls because to be any of those girls we probably would have had to have 1) gone out in sunlight or 2) had friends who talked about unicorns, and since the Dungeons & Dragons kids were too cool for us, that never came up. Which is to say, I think the real question at TheGloss is “Were you a Yoda girl? Or an Ewok girl?” Ashley and I will debate their merits:
Jennifer: This is a little difficult for me to speak to because the ewoks just seem so obviously delightful and superior. Making a case for them is like making a case for why you love your dearest friend who once saved your life. I mean, all you can kind of do is turn your hands upwards because they’re so clearly wonderful and primative and kind and good. Just good. And they have little parties and hats and look like teddy bears.
So, I guess really the way I should begin is by discussing the case against Yoda. Yoda is an asshole. He’s one of those pseudo intellectual types who go around pointedly cultivating an eccentric defect to try to make himself seem as though he never leaves an intellectual bubble. If he was a person he’d be wandering around going “Oh, Elvis? No, I’ve never heard of him. I only listen to MGMT. That’s all I listen to. Because I’m an asshole.” Yoda is like that with the way he refuses to learn basic grammar. He’s the wisest creature in the universe and has been alive for a millennium and he can’t master sentence clauses? Really? In the words of Anthony Lane: break me a fucking give.
Ashley: Okay, the case for ewoks is contained entirely within the Ewok Adventure* movies when you’re less than 10 years old. All other cases for ewoks may be brought to Warwick Davis, but then you’re just making a case for Willow.
Jennifer : WILLOW RULES.
Ashley: NO ARGUMENT THERE. HOW HOT IS MADMARTIGAN?
Ashley: HE IS THE GREATEST SWORDSMAN
Jennifer: HOTHOTHOT. Discussion over? I won?
Ashley: Apologies. The real case against ewoks is that they appear in Return of the Jedi, and their introduction signifies the end of the original Star Wars trilogy being fucking awesome.
Jennifer: No, no, that was signified by Jar Jar Binks. You can’t be telling me that you don’t enjoy the trilogy as a trilogy. That’s insane. It’s like the Indiana Jones set. You have to take them all as one large, beautiful, fully formed thing.
Ashley: Wait. Back up.
Jennifer: You’re making a terrible case for Yoda, by the way.
Ashley: Jar Jar Binks? JAR JAR BINKS? We’re not having a discussion about the apocrypha. We’re having a discussion about the Star Wars that matters. The original trilogy.
Jennifer: The only true one. Yes.
Ashley: Of which Return of the Jedi is the weak link.
Jennifer: Well, it’s lost some of the novelty… I wouldn’t say there’s a “weak link.” Does Indiana Jones have a “weak link?”
Ashley: Temple of Doom.
Jennifer: Temple of Doom is my favorite. He rips hearts out with his bare hands.
Ashley: It would be! But really, having a conversation about ewoks vs. Yoda is about why Jedi is the weakest of the three. No argument needs to be made for Yoda. He’s great.
Jennifer: What about Jabba in Return of the Jedi? That’s CLASSIC. Okay, but we’re not discussing this.
Ashley: The Jabba’s Palace sequence is great. No argument there. FOCUS. Jennifer, I think what you’re trying to say is that you’ve gone over to the dark side.
Jennifer: The teddy bear side?
Ashley: the shark jumping side.
Jennifer: Ashley, the ewoks are, by their nature, a charming tribe. The worst you can say is that liking them is too obvious. Which it may be. Because they’re fucking teddy bears running around being helpful. And dancing.
Ashley: So really, you wanted Star Wars to be a movie about helpful dancing teddy bears all along. TRAITOR.
Jennifer: Make a single point in Yoda’s favor, jerk.
Ashley: He looks cute in Luke’s backpack.
Jennifer: Okay, no one can dispute that. But that’s because he’s an asshole space leprechaun.
Ashley: JUST LIKE YOU. But yeah, I kind of see that.
Jennifer: So, ewoks for the win?
Ashley: No, Jennifer. No. All your points for ewoks are my points against.
Jennifer: You hate happy teddy bears dancing? And helping? You are a monster.
Ashley: You’re just like the kids at school who made fun of me for reading Star Wars novelizations. You’re the enemy.
Jennifer: Hard it is to live in you nightmare world.
Ashley: Ridiculed me you did.
*An ewok DIES in Ewok Adventure because they’re self sacrificing and it’s really sad. That’s just how they are. Noble. Noble is how they are.