I have been back on Facebook for almost two weeks now. I had taken a hiatus back in September for three reasons: 1. I didn’t want people I barely remember saying “happy birthday” to me; 2. I wanted to prove I could live a Facebook-less life; and 3. Swede had blocked me, so it’s not like I could get any proper stalking done anyway.

When I reactivated my account, I took the necessary steps of weeding out any mutual friends I had with the aforementioned person, as well as doing a quick sweep of people from my past about, for lack of better wording, whom I couldn’t really give a fuck. As one who just loves to cause trouble and stir the pot a bit, I have already posted a few things that I thought might force the “riffraff’ to unfriend me. But instead I get people “liking” my status when I ask people to “unfriend” me. What a twisted, fucked up world in which we live!

Last year I wrote a post for The Gloss about how Facebook was helping me get rid of people from my past after an incident where my high school boyfriend blocked me (and took two –gasp! — fellow schoolmates with him.) He blocked me because I wrote about how the first time I had sex it sucked. It sucking had NOTHING to do with him, but just because first times suck. Men do not like to hear that they were part of a sucky sexual experience. But other than that, people keep hanging on and not unfriending me! I’d unfriend them, but the few times I have, I always end up getting an email from the person asking me why. I then have to lie and say it was an accident, when we all know there are no accidents in life. Even when I deactivated my account, I had people asking me why I had blocked them, as if the whole world revolves around them, to which I’d angrily have to explain that “No, it’s not about you; it’s about me, for the last fucking time.”

I realize, for many, being friends on Facebook is some sort of proof that people actually do like you, but for me I couldn’t care less. If you’re an ex-boyfriend I might care for stalking reasons, but as for my friends go, I actually interact with them in real life so Facebook is pointless in that regard. Since the few people I have as “friends” on there, I’ve either kept because I genuinely love them or because I’m keeping up appearances, I have decided to make it my mission to get that “extra weight” to unfriend me. Every time I mention anal sex or abortion, I lose a bunch of followers on Twitter, so maybe it’s time to take that technique to Facebook.

So I don’t have to be the bad guy in the situation, here are seven ways I plan to get myself unfriended.