I’ve taken home a lot of lasting lessons from the cinematic masterpiece Showgirls: that a heavy eye paired with a heavy lip can be just right in certain situations, that it’s best not to bounce down a set of metal stairs wearing stilettos if your bewigged mortal enemy is right on your heels, and that no matter how much I bump up my exercise routine, I will never, ever be able to pull off whatever that was that Elizabeth Berkley was doing in that pool scene with Kyle MacLachlan. Ain’t happening; my back doesn’t bend that way.

But the most important lesson I learned? That sequined nails are really quite awesome-looking, and should be permitted a comeback. My nails are incapable of growing more than a nanometer beyond the tips of my fingers without cracking (yes, big sigh), but if they were? I’d be ringing up Liz to trot on over to my place later; the Cristal is on me if she’ll handle the manis. I want gold glitter, and I want Swarovskis, and I want them yesterday.