50 shades of grey

Okay, I finally bought 50 Shades Of Grey, because I assumed we were over all the hype, but new office mates are talking about how “women are getting off on the subway reading this”, so I guess not. I guess the subways have just become an ocean of ovum. But how? And I am saying this as someone who has had no fewer than 17 orgasms from reading The Thorn Birds on a unicycle. Let’s look at actual passages, and vote for the things that are most disturbing and unsexy and frankly just not really all that exciting? What part of 50 Shades of Grey did you hate most!? Let’s share together!

1) When Christian Grey stalks Anastasia to the hardware store where she works and is like “hi, I am here to buy industrial strength rope and masking tape.”

2) When Anastasia asks him if he’s redecorating after he bought rope and masking tape and he replies:

“No, not redocrating,” he says, quickly, then smirks, and I have the uncanny feeling he is laughing at me.”


2) When all billionaire Christian Grey does for work is send packages to Darfur. When does he throw a stapler at an intern? Or… short stocks? Or freak out and start crying because he runs a reinsurance fun and there is a hurricane in Tortuga? Never. The answer is “never.” I suspect this man does not have a real job.

3) When she drunk dials him and he shows up at the bar she is at 20 minutes later.

4) When he and her dad talk about fishing?

5) When they discuss her diet for, like, 50 total pages. Really? Is this what we fantasize about? A man who says “you should eat three full meals a day?”Just eat like a person. Just do your person imitation at mealtimes.

6) Dude, this book is dumb.

7) When he emails her the dictionary definition of “submissive” and she e-mails him the dictionary definition of “compromise.” Were we supposed to say “oh, snap!”?

8) When there is a lesson in condom application that runs “pinch the top then roll it down. You don’t want any air in the end of that sucker.”

9) When the only book this girl has read is seemingly Tess of the d’Urbervilles, a book mostly about a girl getting raped horribly. Actually, just everyone in that book is awful. And they keep using it as foreplay.

9) Wait, this is the only good part of the book: when they drink Bollinger Grand Annee Rose 1999 out of teacups. That is fucking charming. There is no universe where that isn’t  fun. I hope the tea-cups had funny drawings on them.

Okay, your turn. Best/worst/boringest parts. Go.