Tonight is the season finale of Parks and Recreation, one of the very best shows on television right now. And this has been one hell of a season. The recall election! Jerry becoming Larry! Triplets! There’s too much to process; I’m going to have to make a binder.
A show as deep and meaningful as Parks and Recreation is clearly more than just a TV show. Liking it says a lot of important things about you, all of them good. And your favorite character tells more about you than anything. So here is the totally accurate, completely scientific assessment of who you are as a human being and what your future holds, based on your favorite Parks and Recreation character.
You really believe the children are our future, but you’re wrong. You’re our future. You care about other people and desire equality and fairness and justice like all tender-hearted, good people, but unlike most people you actually do something about it. You Get. Shit. Done. Someday when people name their heroes and role models, they’re going to name you.
You do not really believe in the myth of the self-made individual, but you are as close as it comes to truth. You take care of yourself, and take pride in the fact that you have the skills, attributes, and resources to take care of other people when they need assistance from someone like you. You only like the very best made things, from cocktails to furniture. If you can’t afford to buy the very best, you learn to make it yourself rather than buying second or third best. You like online learning and probably own too many Craftsy courses. You don’t like to talk about feelings, so people think you’re standoffish and aloof. But actually you’re quite dependable and the ideal friend to have around after the party is over.
Of course you’re confident; you’re awesome. Who wouldn’t be confident if they were you? You’ve got the looks, the skills, and your personality is awesome. Anybody who doesn’t love you is an idiot, and life is too short to waste around idiots. Anything you want, you get eventually. You’re very good at planning for the future while enjoying the present to the fullest, and that will serve you well when you are older. Your friends would do well to follow your example. You have extremely high standards, as well you should. You would never be with a person who doesn’t adore you at least as much as you adore yourself. Luckily, that’s not a problem, because there are plenty of smart people out there lined up to adore you. When you decide you want one, you will live happily ever after, but that timeline is entirely up to you.
Everything is better with an audience. (You’re probably a Leo, aren’t you?) You’re not exactly a self-starter, and without grades or deadlines you can flounder. But as long as someone is watching, you are a genius. You can solve any problem. You are a complete optimist. You know you’re going to make it someday, so why not let future you buy current you some nice stuff while you build your empire? You eat well, drink well, and have the coolest friends and the most high-end stuff. Sometimes you worry your priorities are out of whack, but then you take pictures of your place and your outfits and think, “Man, the person in those pictures has the best life ever!” That’s all it takes to make you happy again.
You are such a geek you actually understand all the things Ben says when he’s not at city hall. You know what Settlers of Catan is, and you own at least one expansion pack. You know the difference between nerd, geek, and dork, and you self-identify as at least two of those. You clean up nice and have a day job, and that day job keeps you in limited edition figures and cosplay supplies. You have paused the TV to figure out what specific comics are framed on the wall behind Ben’s desk. You hated the Game of Thrones porn parody because the inaccurate costumes ruined it for you.
In high school, everyone said you were exactly like Daria. You can’t pinpoint the moment you stopped being a goth, but it did not happen on purpose. You deeply enjoy messing with people and saying inappropriate things, and sometimes people can’t tell you’re joking. You might well be the smartest person in the room, but like a large cat you do not rouse yourself to action unless you really care about something. People might talk about potential and ambition, but you’re smart enough to know the answer to this: Which is smarter, breaking your back for achievements just to impress other people, or enjoying every day of your life with good TV, couch wine, a pet on your lap, and a best friend to make fun of things with?
When your friends get book deals, you are the only person who is genuinely, truly excited for them and not kind of jealous. Everybody envies your capacity for genuine joy and surprise. Sometimes people mistake you for a hipster, but you are the opposite of a hipster. You never do anything ironically, only with pure and genuine enthusiasm.
You really liked The Office. You believe everyone is probably good at heart, and that Miley Cyrus is a talented person and people would realize it if she just put some clothes on. You are deeply romantic, but you have pretty crappy taste in romantic partners. You’d like to think you’re the kind of person who stays friends with all her exes, but you aren’t even friends with them on Facebook.
The thought of having possibly said or done something to offend or hurt another person literally keeps you up at night, even if it happened decades ago. Oh god, remember that thing you said Freshman year? What if someone else remembers it too? Oh God.
Try not to worry about it. If something is bothering you, shove it in a little box and crush that box. Positive people live longer. Positive people have positive thoughts. Positive people have positive thoughts.
Ugh, you are just the worst.
(Photos: NBC, Giphy)