Yeah, it's not going to be as cool as this Eric Mistretta picture.

Oh, God, that title sounds sad.

It’s not that sad! It’s fine! My birthday is this Friday. And as a 26-in-two-days year old, I realize this sounds ridiculous, but it’s the first time I haven’t spent my birthday with my family. Look, it’s not weird. My family is really nice. You’d like to spend your birthday with them, too. You can’t though, probably, because you’re a stranger, and that would be weird. I don’t know. I’m sure they’d let you. They’re legitimately really nice.

But this year my birthday falls the same weekend as my alma mater’s croquet tournament (you know what? I’m just laying out my entire life. Just letting it go like Lena Dunham, here). So, I’m taking the train back to my college town on my birthday. I’m having a party the night before (Thursday), but most of my friends from college won’t be in town until Saturday so my actual birthday will be spent… mostly alone.

I’m not dating anyone, and I feel sort of silly pulling friends out of work to say “have brunch with me!”  especially when I’ll have seen them the night before. Still, I don’t want it to pass entirely unnoticed.

So. I’m taking the day off work. I’ll probably get on the train at 2:00. This gives me the morning in New York and the evening in Annapolis.  Here are some ideas I have so far, but I’m not sure how well this will pan out, or whether these seem sufficiently celebratory:


Drink like a man

Drink champagne

Drink champagne like a man (churlishly)

Alternatively, go to pilates that morning. I like pilates.

Eat every carb in the entire world.

Eat every carb in the world and add a fried egg to all of them.

Eat anything that is from Momofuku Milk Bar.

Eat like Saturn

Like this, but with a birthday candle on top of the body

Go see whatever movie is playing at the Angelika that morning. Ooh! The Deep Blue Sea! Rachel Weisz! Set in the 1930’s! Costumes! Oh. Umm, it appears it’s a movie about a woman who tries to commit suicide when her boyfriend forgets her birthday.

Though maybe that would make me feel like I was winning?

Hire a gigolo. Seems like it works out swell for Debra Messing and real people, too.

Try to start a dance party on the train? No. People don’t do that. Also, I don’t like newfangled dancing, and no one can do a mazurka for shit these days.

Make people feel badly about themselves.

Have dinner at my favorite restaurant in Annapolis? I’m normally great at doing social stuff alone, but having dinner by myself on my birthday just feels really pathetic. But it would be more pathetic not to eat deep fried cheesecake, right?

OH SHIT THAT RESTAURANT IS CLOSED. Okay. I could have dinner by myself at a different restaurant. FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK PEOPLE.

Alternatively, I could buy like 5 cupcakes and a bottle of champagne and eat them in my hotel room?

Listen to Edith Piaf and weep convulsively.

Borrow someone else’s family. Steal them off the street, lock them in my hotel room. Bake for them and force them to make chit-chat about how they are proud of me.

Interestingly, this is also what I’d do if the world was going to end in 24 hours, especially the family stealing, and I’m pretty sure my ideas are not good enough. HELP PLEASE I AM GETTING OLD SOON.