I’m sorry, I’m confused. I guess I should have been more dazzled by the Peter-Pannery. I was probably distracted by all the beating.

Did you see the Peter-Pannery? Here is Chris’s VMA performance.


Oh sure, it is legitimately dazzling. He is a very gifted performer. However, I guess when I think about Chris Brown, I don’t think “air somersaults, yay!” I think “oh, that man who beat the shit out of Rihanna.” I think of an unrepentant, woman-beating scumbag. I think of that guy who once told Larry King that seeing a Rihanna-inspired show on Oprah was a “slap in the face” (that’s not what it feels like, Chris) and that “I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’ ”

Dude. You punched your girlfriend until her eyes were swollen shut. Did you want to be listed as an “Oprah favorite thing?” Would that have been sufficiently helpful?

In an interesting side-note, Oprah replied “Oprah is very appreciative that Chris Brown performed at her school, but she takes domestic abuse very seriously.” Oprah probably also does not like cancer or puppies being raped, but she is appreciative when puppy rapists perform at her schools. And cancer. That time the edos of Cervical Cancer did some high kicks for her schoolkids, that was a great time.

But who cares, right? Wasn’t that whole Cirque de Soleil thing at the VMAs terrific? The flips! All the flips!

And now, Lindsay Lohan is asking Chris Brown out on Twitter. Specifically by sending him a message that says “wanna meet?” Chris Brown has yet to reply.

So, as a man, I guess you can continue to have a successful career and be courted publicly by starlets after beating a woman.

Women in a similar industry have careers that end over… wrinkles. Unless you are Diane Keaton, and dress like a crazy person. Britney Spears career basically ended because she was SO CRAZY she felt like shaving off all her hair So, basically, the career formula here is:

Man beating woman = not career ending

Woman doing something that does not uphold traditional standards of beauty = career motherfucking over.

Right. Okay.

I’m going to go practice doing some somersaults now.