The other day, one of my facebook friends wrote this:

Sotomoyer is a fucking CUNT LESBIAN. Burn in Hell!

And then there’s this gem:

AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals. – Jerry FALWELL!

And I see this sort of thing, and I think “Jesus Christ, why are we still facebook friends? I hate you. Not like the way I hate people who walk slowly in front of me in the street and pause to take pictures of nondescript buildings. I mean, I hate those people too, but I really, really hate you, you ugly bigoted, homophobic, uber-religious, trash talking moron.”

Now, in real life, there’s no chance I would ever interact with this person (because they’d be yelling RANDOM WORDS). But somehow, I’ve stayed friends with him on facebook so that my news feed continues to be bombarded with his rhetoric. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who does this. Here are some good reasons to stay friends with people who you would never, ever talk to if you encountered them on the street.

1) To make sure you’re winning. Sure, they’re awful. But at least being facebook friends means that you can continue to reassure yourself that they’re unemployed and single, so that the world is kind of okay.

2) To make sure you could call the cops if they ever went completely crazy. I always worry that the person I hate on facebook might say, decide to kill the President. If he did, I’m pretty sure he would post a CRAZY CAPS LOCK subject about it beforehand. Then I would call the cops. And I would be a HERO.

3) Because at some point you might need as many facebook friends as possible. I don’t know exactly what that point is, but I imagine it has something to do with a project you’re promoting.

4) Because, college. At some point, this person was probably just mildly eccentric. Look at how they’ve changed! As in, look at the bad changes that can happen to a human being. In a way, they’re a constant reminder to look back and think about how you’ve changed. And whether or not you’ve turned into a total asshole.

5) To prove there are horrible people in the world. At some point, your twinkly eyed, high-school aged sister, or intern, or someone is going to say “I don’t believe there are bad people in the world.” And you’re going to be all “hold on, let me pull up my facebook feed. There. Bam! That.” It really only proves that there are angry, misinformed people in the world, but it’s close enough.