Esquire recently did a feature where they showed old men who wear Old Spice the new Old Spice ad (which is objectively hilarious). Some of the old men did not like this ad. Here are some conclusions I have drawn about these men’s personalities based on their reponses.

What some old man said: “If they really want to sell any Old Spice now, they’re going to have to do ads like that ‘Axle’ one.”

What that old man meant: I am in the crippling throes of dementia, and am flashing back to my days on the Oregon Trail. Repair that axle! Ford that river!
What another old man said: I used Old Spice all the time up until two or three years ago but stopped because the new wife didn’t like it. The old one liked it, but not her.”
What another old man meant: I want a divorce.
What another old man said: “‘Swan dive into the greatest night of your life’? That’s pretty funny.”
What that old man meant: “I would say it’s very funny, but my vocabularly lacks that word.
What another old man said: “This ad isn’t going to move any Old Spice.”
What that old man meant: My heart is cold and dead and full of dust. Help me. Help.