You can have your effete Brad Pitts, your dark and tortured Javier Bardems (…OK, I’d fuck Javier Bardem too), your childlike-with-wonderment James Franco.

My celebrity crush is Rahm Emanuel. Here’s why:

  1. He’s one powerful Jew. (I’m a Jew too. Stop judging.)
  2. He just told an appellate court to go fuck themselves without having to say a word.
  3. He roasted Stephen Colbert.
  4. He shovels snow for old ladies.
  5. “I sometimes joke, Paula, even paranoid people have enemies.” — to news anchor Paula Zahn, in 2004, as if he were speaking directly to me
  6. LOOK AT THIS GUY.  He brought in Andy Samberg — who impersonates him on SNL — to campaign with him.
  7. He doesn’t give a fuck what you think, because he’s Rahm Emanuel.
  8. No, seriously. He’s one powerful Jew.