Do you think teenage girls should start being objectified as early in life as possible? Do you think “childhood” is just an excuse for females to put off the endless quest for a sugar daddy that every woman’s life should center around? Do you know a special little girl who has a birthday coming up?
Then you might consider purchasing this card, which reads:
You’re 13 today!
If you had a rich boyfriend
He’d give you diamonds and rubies
Well, maybe next year you will —
When you’ve got bigger boobies!
No, seriously. This is a real card sold by Hallmark, for people to give to children. Children with small boobies, or maybe none at all. Happy birthday!
Rather than try to defend the card’s obvious terribleness, Hallmark has released a statement blaming the fuck up on some sort of wormhole that opened up in space-time, allowing a very bad card from the past to offend present day sensibilities:
“This card was produced by Creative Publishing prior to Hallmark Cards acquiring the company in 1998. We are as surprised and horrified as anyone else to have discovered that there are still copies in circulation. The card has not been produced for over 15 years and would never pass our own strict guidelines of taste and appropriateness. We would like to assure all our customers that we will do everything in our power to track down remaining copies.”
Ah, the late nineties. I remember them well. Shit was like Mad Men back then! Thank God the women’s liberation movement was birthed around the turn on the millennium to put those gross attitudes to rest.
Should we hold Hallmark accountable for the things Creative Publishing did before they purchased it? Do we believe that no one at Hallmark knew about it? And how’d it get into stores anyway, if it hasn’t been produced since 1998? To make up for any trouble they have caused with this, Hallmark will now donate $1 million to the Childhood Breast Augmentation Fund International.