Today’s Google doodle reminded us that its the National Day of Women. Take a moment to celebrate your ladyhood, lady garden, and lady friends in all their glory. I personally honored this special day by watching clips of Hillary Clinton on Upworthy, wearing ferocious red lipstick, and explaining to my roommate how catcalling is wrapped up in rape culture. Call your mom, change a tire, research your local politicians for the next chance you get to vote, or perform a self breast exam in appreciation of your feminine wiles.
Do not, however, purchase any of the following products. Obviously, the women of the world have bigger fish to fry than unnecessarily gendered tools and horrible beauty gadgets. But these micro-aggressions are as hilarious as they are damaging. Snail slime and bush dye. Get on it, or join us on the dark side of wet blanket feminist harpies.
Aging is gross. Fix it with a workout designed only for your turkey neck. It has three levels of spring loaded resistance, so you can work your neck back from “ugly” to “teenager.” When these are no longer enough, use your new found neck strength to bang your head against the wall until women aren’t considered dried up relics at the same age that men become “distinguished.”
NOPE. Really, tampons that promise to do anything more than let me go swimming around that time of the month without leaving any evidence skeeve me out. I do not need my menstrual supplies to be rebranded for trendy teens or easily mistaken for candy bars. Or give me a yeast infection with artificial dandelion essence. As if girls aren’t made to feel insecure enough about their flow without being told it should smell like rainbows and wildflowers.
If you’re feeling less than attractive, try piling snail slime on your face for fifteen to twenty minutes. Snail slime is a Korean beauty favorite that allegedly repairs cells, boosts moisture, and reduces scarring and wrinkles. We are so worried about flawless skin that we are now paying actual money for actual snail slime to put on our faces. You can also get this Nickelodeon throwback of a beauty staple in face cream, eye cream, and serum at PrettyandCute.com.
Circle lenses aren’t just painful to wear. They’re also emblematic of sexualized youth, and the disturbing trend of grown women who want to look like dolls. For the uninitiated, circle lenses are oversized contacts that make your eyes look large and round, like a dazed child or Homer Simpson on peyote. They’re hugely popular in Asia, but you can also spot them in makeup tutorials for living dolls.
Is your schnoz less than slim, straight, Caucasian perfection? Pretend to fix it with this definitely uncomfortable and probably useless plastic nose shrinker. Because only one nasal aesthetic is OK, and you should be ashamed of that unique sniffer.
At this point, most people have caught on that douching is unnecessary and pretty bad for your hoo-ha. I can’t imagine the prevalence of “douchebag” as an insult was great for Summer’s Eve PR team. So, they gave us Intimate Care Wash instead. All of the lady shaming fresh scent with different instructions and packaging. Really, ball wash makes much more sense. Those bad boys aren’t self cleaning. I am seeing a whole new product line from Axe that could really take off.
First, stop calling it “down there.” Unacceptable. You can now match your pubic hair to any color. If grey hair isn’t sexy on your head, it’s certainly not going to fly in your panties. Betty comes in a wide variety of colors, from auburn to Smurf blue. Blue, for the record, is suggested as a festive bridal color for your special day. This product is also suggested for bottle blondes and brunettes to keep the mystery going south of the waistband. Because losing interest when the carpet doesn’t match the drapes is totally a thing.
If this was some Lara Croft style Kevlar body army, I’d be on board. But the Slimmer and Shine Open Bust body shaper appears to have all the organ squishing of corsetry with none of the fetish appeal, and is completely lacking in bulletproof properties. I cannot personally vouch for the comparable pain of Spanx, but stuffing your extra flesh into an expensive sausage casing is no way to love your body.
What’s worse than the pressure to bleach your asshole to match the no-longer-chocolate starfish of your partner’s favorite porn star? Attempting to do it at home. For only $11.99, you can give yourself all the pain of hemorrhoids in the pursuit of a perfectly pink asterisk. Find it at ShopInPrivate.com.
Satisfy that pesky Madonna/Whore complex with fake virgin drops. This magical product creates a “tight, wet opening,” so you can pretend you aren’t already a ruined women. I don’t want to know how they work, but even if these don’t cause serious irritation and pain, the premise alone horrible for women. Only virgins are worth loving, so fake it until you get a ring on your finger. And then also forever.
Being a woman is a magical, blessed privilege. I wouldn’t have it any other way, and I’m feeling just fine without a bleached asshole or pink pubes.