My friend Matthew spends the majority of his work day sending me photos of puppies mating with reptiles and links to the insanity of which you really wish you didn’t know existed. Yesterday’s “hot topic” link, as provided by Matthew, was a book on how to cook with semen. I kid you not.
Although this particular book, Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes, is a few years old, I figured it was worth mentioning for those of you who have the craving to learn how to cook with the nutritious (and delicious?) bodily fluid. Besides, how old is Julia Child‘s Mastering the Art of French Cooking? Exactly.
Note: If you don’t find semen appetizing and you’re eating lunch, put it down, walk away and come back when you’re ready for this.
Written by Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer (is that his real name?) and available on Barnes and Noble as you can see, the introduction of the book gets straight to the heart, er, jizz of the matter:
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist.
Oh. My. Fucking. God. Are you ready for more? From protein shakes to barbecue and oysters, it’s page after page of recipes in which you can use man-made splooge:
Not surprisingly Photenhauer self-published this book, because what publishing company in their right mind would attach their name to such a project? But is it real? Is it a hoax? Is this Fotie guy certifiable or just looking for ways to be more green and economically sound during these tough financial times?
It appears to be real. You can even find it on Amazon, where there are also a few reviews for it:
And did I mention this book is currently selling for $71 on Amazon? Well, it is.
No matter how much you love giving head, there’s a difference between swallowing during an intimate situation and gathering up the “conclusion” and running to the kitchen with it. It may be a great substitute for milk or cream, according to the author, and alcohol does “enhance the delicate semen flavors,” but really? REALLY?
OK, who’s buying this book and trying this out? At least one person out there has to think this is a brilliant idea — besides, “Fotie,” of course.