It’s summer, which means two things: wedding season and bad TV season. Those two things combine beautifully, like champagne and strawberries or a bridesmaid and a neon yellow velvet princess dress. But which one should you watch? Let’s break it down like your drunk uncle at the reception:
Say Yes to the Dress
This show focuses, as you may have divined from the title, on picking out a wedding dress. The show is set at ritzy New York bridal shop Kleinfeld’s, and brides usually have some kind of hook. Past hooks have included “she used to have cancer,” “her mom is a giant wretched hosebeast,” or “her husband-to-be is obviously gay.” Oh, and be sure to look out for the occasional crossover with reality vow renewals – both Kate Gosselin and Michelle Duggar did some cross-promotional family-whoring.
You’ll like it if: You like fashion or makeover-type shows like What Not to Wear. There’s a lot of dress porn here.
A bridezilla, typically speaking, is a normal woman who is driven to insanity by the stress of planning her wedding. A more appropriate name for this show might be “A Bunch of Horrible Bitches Get Married.” Because quite a few of them are. These weddings come with a side of verbally abusive parents, fired bridesmaids, and histrionics. Also, if black people get married the show will use hip-hop music in the background, and if people from Texas get married there’s a banjo.
You’ll like it if: You love other trashy shows where people behave badly, like The Real World/Road Rules Challenge or The Bad Girls Club.
Some really wealthy people spend a small nation’s GDP on their weddings. Often, they are still tacky. A good way to watch this show is to invent a drinking game where you do a shot every time someone drops the word “classy.”
You’ll like it if: you like “aspirational” TV shows about how the other half live, like High Society or The City.
My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding
Some really wealthy people spend a small nation’s GDP on their weddings. But, since this show is on Vh1, they can also be a little – or a lot – trashy. Plus, Real Housewife of New Jersey Dina Manzo was on it back before Bravo ever came a-knockin’.
You’ll like it if: you like “aspirational” TV shows with a little bit of a snarky edge to them, like I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here or Celebrity Apprentice.
My Fair Wedding with David Tutera
You’re going to feel stupid if you spent any money or time planning your wedding, because three weeks before the big day a wedding planner named David Tutera will show up and overhaul everything like a darling pixie gay man from the magical island of Manhattan. He’ll get you a new dress, redo your venue, and pick a new cake – but you won’t know what any of them are until you show up. Also, he will sometimes reunite you with your long-lost father the day of the ceremony just in case you weren’t already crying hard enough.
You’ll like it if: You love uplifting shows with happy endings, like Ruby or Britain’s Got Talent (paging Susan Boyle!).
A Wedding Story
Some people get married. They’re not rich or weird or abusive to their family members, but they do talk about how they love each other. So, you know, there’s that. Because of the fluffy nature of this show, the occasional Miss America contestant or soap opera actor will have their wedding featured.
You’ll like it if: you enjoy documentary-style shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
You’re fat, so you should go on a TV show about weight loss and then get married!
To be honest, this show just started airing and I haven’t watched it yet. But I imagine it’s kind of like The Biggest Loser, which means I’ll probably like it.