You’re a busy lady with a busy schedule, and between Polar Vortexes and traffic and society’s disgusting insistence that you wear pants in public, you’ve decided to bite the bullet… and look for shoes online. It has come to this.
I’m sure there’s somebody out there who’s had only positive experiences with online shoe shopping, but I’m not her. Here are ten reasons why I’d rather go barefoot than have to find decent footwear on the internet.
1. You can never tell what color they really are. The picture looks pink, the description says “candy apple.” Do they think candy apples are pink? Did they photograph the shoe under really weird lighting? Is someone at the company just messing with you?
2. You can never tell if they’re cheaply made. They look high quality in the picture, but they’re selling for $30. Is this an amazing deal that you’re going to seriously regret passing up, or is it a clever photographer’s little experiment to see how much they can conceal the shittiness of the product? There’s no way of knowing.
3. They’re definitely not going to fit. You may think you know your size, but once you’ve clicked the “purchase” button, a team of evil invisible fairies will slowly alter the shape of your feet until your sevens have whittled away to six-and-a-halfs.
4. Even if they technically fit, they’re going to feel terrible. I used to hate it when I was a little kid and my mom would make me run a lap around the store to see if my new shoes were too snug or too loose, and now I miss those days. So does the thick skin on my ankle where a million blisters have healed over.
5. They’ll send you the wrong ones. This has happened to me at least six times. Why doesn’t anybody at the company take three extra seconds to double check?
6. They’re such a hassle to return. Most of the products I’ve ever regretted buying online have never made it back to the factory– they just accumulate on a shameful shelf in my closet, awaiting the day when I finally get over my aversion to the post office.
7. You’ll regret buying them. It’s so much easier to make an impulse-purchase when all you have to do is enter your Paypal password. That money hardly even counts as money! It’s not even real!
8. You’re not focussed enough to make good shoe-buying decisions. Sure, I’m just as likely to get distracted by those big TVs at DSW that play their commercials on a never-ending loop, but at least when I’m shopping in person, it’s very unlikely that I’m drunk. Or exhausted. Or simultaneously watching Girls and eating tortilla chips.
9. You’ll end up buying other stuff, too. Oh, there’s free shipping on orders over $75? Then it would be irresponsible to not get a sweater, too. Irresponsible.
10. By the time they arrive at your house, you’ll be over them. Why did you think leopard print heels were a reasonable thing to exchange legal tender for? The person you were last Wednesday thought these were sexy, but the person you are today could have spent that $60 on groceries.