Photo: PCN

Photo: PCN

Look, I get it, You’re under a lot of pressure. You have to deliver real celebrity news tactfully, and you have to create it when it doesn’t exist. But, um, this weird post theorizing about what Kim Kardashian will wear to her wedding—based in no fact or evidence—is just laughable.

“We wouldn’t be surprised if Kim works with Vera Wang once again. This time, she might do a more modern mermaid silhouette, which we already know looks fantastic with her curvy figure,” says E!, groping around desperately for anything at all to say.

Applying the same logic as this E! article, allow me to make my own predictions for Kim Kardashian’s wedding gown.

Dress possibility #1: Prenup Chic. Kimye has made it clear that they’re staying true to Kanye’s morals and hollering, “We want prenup.” Because of this, I just have a really good feeling that Kim’s planning on walking down the aisle in a dress made of prenuptial agreement papers. Hundreds of them. She’ll staple them all over herself.

Dress possibility #2: The White Swimsuit From Her Instagram. I know for a fact that Kim would wear this, since she already has. She obviously feels good in it, because she self-published the photo! And it’s white! IT’S WHITE!

Dress possibility #3: Gold Plated Toilets. The couple famously dished out almost a million dollars for gold toilet seats, so we know they love ’em! Also, we know that the only person Kim loves more than herself is Kanye—and vice versa– so naturally, the couple will exchange vows wearing head-to-toe reflective metal. So they can look into their own eyes. It’s guaranteed.

Dress possibility #4: Nothing. Kim and Kanye are both extraordinarily secure with themselves, so why should they wear clothes?

We really do appreciate the effort, E!, and you rarely let us down. But if you think you’re clairvoyant… you’re probably not. Leave that to us.