For those of you who do not turn into a tomato in the sun like some of us, there is an aspect of summer that you may either love or absolutely hate: tan lines. (Or perhaps you do not really feel any strong emotions towards them at all, but I find them to be rather polarizing in our post-Jersey Shore society.) Tan lines occur when one wears an article of clothing, then goes into the sun and either burns or tans, thus leading to the uncovered skin darkening while the concealed portions stay paler. And voila! You’ve got a tan line, or several. Perhaps they are even pentagram-shaped, such as the woman who donned this satanic bathing suit.
Whether you enjoy tan lines or simply tolerate them as an unfortunate effect of the summer sun, there are certain bathing suits that will lead to more awkward, ugly, or weird tan lines than others. Avoid them at all cost.
1. Pentagram ($49)
This one will forever be in our hearts, and on our beach bodies as we do ritual sacrifices.
2. Speak of the Devil Swimsuit, Nasty Gal ($88)
Also known as step 1 in “How To Turn Yourself Into A Human Corset.”
Explain away the tan lines by telling your friends that your skin simply needs to be held together by white chain patches. Spend nearly $1000 to do so.
4. Chromat Tri Bikini Bottom, Nasty Gal ($90)
The top of this appears to be sold out, which is a shame because I would have loved to find out if my breasts can be supported by magical tan lines.
5. Lisa Maree Crochet Monokini, Free People ($148)
P.S. Even the model is wearing extra underwear underneath this thing.
6. Shiny Splash One-Piece, American Apparel ($54)
For ladies who wish to look like their stomachs are being primed for surgery.
7. 6 Shore Road Cutout Bikini Top ($68) and Bottom, Urban Outfitters ($68)
The print is pretty, but just remember that when you remove the bathing suit, you will have tan arrows pointing towards your nipples and nether region. Just sayin’.
For 50 shades of bad tan line, check out this mesh monstrosity.
9. Marysia Scallop Trim Bikini, Intermix ($260)
This isn’t so odd until you realize your bikini line will be scallop-shaped. Please shape your wax stencil accordingly.
10. Mikoh Xavier Monokini, Bloomingdales ($202)
For when you are hoping to like a lizard back from spring break.
11. Karla Colletto Swim Monokini, Saks ($183.40)
It’s like those stupid illusion dresses, except terrible in even more ways and you will be eluding no one.
12. Sunstreak Swimsuit, Nasty Gal ($88)
Am I the only person who could totally see Tara Reid wearing this?
13. Leena Tropical Triangle Bikini, Fashion Union ($39)
Ooooh, underboob strap lines! Creativity pays off!
This just looks so confusing to get in in the first place that I’m not sure you’ll ever find out what type of tan lines it makes.
15. Mesh Cutout One-Piece, Victoria’s Secret ($63.99)
You can be like Adam Levine and ombre a whole part of your body!