GG Allin, probably not attending the Met Gala

Would GG Allin have attended with Prada or Valentino?

The 2013 Met Gala is tonight and we’ve kind of put off mentioning it because every time we think about the encroaching festivities, we feel a little ill. After all, the Met Gala is the biggest society event of the year and, though there’s a track record of celebrating fringe creative types in the most dilettantish way possible, this year’s theme–punk–takes the cake for oblivious insincerity. Allison Williams, for one, is “really excited to commit“!

Luckily, tonight’s red carpet will amount to approximately 10% literal takes on the theme (and subsequent exciting fashion disasters!), 30% shy, nervous nods to the theme (expect lots of fucking safety pins) and the rest will be the same big frothy dresses that everyone always wears to these things. You’ve been warned.

Still, apparently after all these years punk can still strike fear in the hearts of fancy society types: the New York Times spoke to a few high fashion vintage boutiques about the desperate calls and pleas for help they’ve been fielding since the theme was announced:

“No one has a clue,” said Cameron Silver, an owner of the Los Angeles vintage boutique Decades, who has been fielding pleas for hard-edged-but-will-land-me-in-Vogue fashion since the museum announced in September that the subject of its spring exhibition would be “Punk: Chaos to Couture.” What do you suggest to a client who can afford a $25,000-or-so ticket to the gala, but has nothing to wear? Stephen Sprouse from the 1980s? Or perhaps Vivienne Westwood’s “Cafe Society” gowns from 1994?

“We keep running into the same problem, which is that rich women don’t want to look punk, or grunge,” Mr. Silver said. “Not that many women want to look like Nancy Spungen.”

Ain’t that the truth. And:

At Byronesque, a new online service for vintage aficionados, some stylists have been requesting just about anything with safety pins, like that Versace dress that Elizabeth Hurley wore to the premiere of “Four Weddings and a Funeral” in 1994. Gill Linton, the chief executive of the site, said she suspects most guests will end up playing it safe, as in safety pins as accessories. (This might prove embarrassing, since one of the mannequins will already be wearing a Versace dress.)

“There are a lot of Liz Hurley wannabes out there,” Ms. Linton said. “It could be more ‘cautious’ than ‘chaos.’”

Thank you Gill Linton, for accidentally summing up this whole absurdist nightmare.

Oh well, the Met Gala is going to hurt a little tonight. We anticipate a bunch of rich people parading around in $30,000 dresses and celebrating a subculture that exists partly as a rebellion from precisely those who would attend a gala in a $30,000 dress. Hopefully there will be good soundbites!

Also, to everyone who’s sweating this: just wear vintage Jean Paul Gaultier. It’s that easy. You’ll reference the aesthetic while looking “directional” and glamorous and, more importantly, you’ll look like you have a sense of humor about it.