The 2014 Winter Olympic Games are barely underway and already, there has been drama, intrigue and really, really absurd outfits. Now, we have each country’s mascots, country namers (I can’t think of a better title for these people) and even the Olympians themselves wearing equally absurd outfits, which I kind of love for no particular reason. The Opening Ceremony, while a little grim-feeling given all the controversy surrounding holding an international competition in a place run by homophobic, overbearing, mass dog-killers,
Let’s take a look at them while I also inform you of which food they remind me of, because why not?
Bobsleigh racer Alexander Zubkov carries the flag for Russia‘s Olympic Team. Not sure how I feel about that big white crown…it looks dangerous. And like a cake slicer.
The Italian Olympic team, led by luger Armin Zoeggeler, gets down in deep, dark blueberry.
Oh Canada, y’all look so warm in your red delicious apple uniforms.
Ireland is broccolini, which is like broccoli but better, and led by skier Conor Lyne. Also, seriously, what is up with that giant white crown atop the head of the woman bearing each country’s name?
Israel is that beautiful shade of the bottom of a firecracker popsicle, i.e. the best part of the treat. They’re led by short track speed skater Vladislav Bykanov, though, rather than cherry.
Iceland, led by cross country skier Saevar Birgisson, are looking pretty excellent in a deep blueberry getup, too.
Figure skater Javier Fernandez looks fly while leading Spain in delightful cranberry and mustard suits. For the record, these folks win the “sexiest Mad Men-approved looks” award.
Speaking of sexy, check out Mexico‘s Olympic Team, led by skier Hubertus von Hohenlohe. Delicious licorice with ivory accents, which hopefully taste like some sort of vanilla bean custard.
Cannot. Handle. How much I love Germany‘s uniforms. I just cannot. Can no longer even. You know those incredibly Pin-able rainbow technicolor cupcakes? Yeah, it’s like that, and led by skier Maria Hoefl-Riesch.
I heart you, Brazil, and your cross country skier/biathlete Jaqueline Mourao. You’re all my favorite Tropical Skittles flavors combined.
Freestyle skier Alexei Grishin leads Belarus in their hot sauce red outfits.
The Chinese Olympic team, led by figure skater Jian Tong, look like reliably pleasant peppermint candies.
Maria Kirkova and the Bulgaria Olympic team looked like surprisingly delicious peppermints you might find at your doctor’s office.
Skier Luke Steyn and the rest of the Zimbabwe Olympic Team look rad in maraschino cherry red.
Looking fly in clementine, Sandis Ozolins of the Latvia Olympic team.
As we already knew, the Ralph Lauren-designed United States of America uniforms were hideously ugly. The only food I can think to compare these to is ribbon candy, because in theory and on Pinterest it’s cool, but in practice, it’s sticky and ugly and misshapen and gross.
Oh, Shaun White.
Photos: Getty Images