My J.Crew catalog arrived this weekend. Except it’s called a “Style Guide” instead of a catalog. Probably because creative director Jenna Lyons has turned J.Crew into a “cult brand” and is trying to inspire plebes like me to be more fashion forward. But after flipping through a few pages, I realized why I’ve pretty much stopped shopping there.

As much as I admire Jenna Lyons for creating whimsical shoes for Fashion Week and being able to pull off a jean jacket at a black tie event thrown by Anna Wintour, I can’t say I’m down with paying tons of money for some of the straight up ugly chic clothes J.Crew is trying to pawn off this season. The brand has been doing a bunch of more expensive “collection” items for the past few seasons, but this Fall these items seem to be guiding people toward the crazy place in the mid-90s when everyone was wearing boring, misshapen outfits to cleanse themselves from the 1980s neon-spandex haze.

The entire catalog is filled with little Easter eggs of fashion disaster surprises. So here’s what I WON’T be picking up this Fall from J.Crew:

1. This baseball hat that looks like it was custom made for Kris Jenner:

JCrew leopard baseball hat

2. This sweater, which will look good on precisely no one  :
Jcrew shapeless blue sweater
3. Seriously, look at this beautiful (sad) model wearing it:

Jcrew shapeless sweater4. This monstrosity:

JCREW EMBROIDERED CASCADE NECKLACE
5. Which looks even worse on a person (with a bonus terrible hat!):
photo (25)
6. This sweater, which is approximately the same hand-me-down 70s sweater my mom made me wear in 1985. BUT AT LEAST THEN IT WAS FREE (this one costs $500):
JCREW COLLECTION SILK-EMBROIDERED CASHMERE SWEATER
7. This shirt, which looks like a middle schooler’s mom made it (and somehow costs $300):
JCREW COLLECTION PATCHWORK JACQUARD TOP
8. Speaking of middle school, my mom didn’t buy me a Bedazzler so I’d pay $500 for this shit:

JCrew sweatshirt wearing earrings

10. I’m not ready to go back to the shapeless pleated skirt phase of my life:

JCREW COLLECTION SILK SKIRT IN CUBIST HOUNDSTOOTH

11. If you want to look like Bob Dylan, here’s a tip: Don’t pay $1000 for this outfit. You can stop brushing your hair for free:
Jenna Lyons glasses JCrew Super red12. And if you have girl parts, don’t punish them with this:

JCREW COLLECTION SILK SHANTUNG DRESS

13. Aforementioned girl parts:
JCREW COLLECTION METALLIC MARIGOLD PRINT DRESS
JCREW COLLECTION CASHMERE TILE SWEATER IN MOSS
15. I’ve watched Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. I don’t need to pay $1780 to live it:
JCREW COLLECTION TROPICAL SEQUIN DRESS
16. 35,000 crystals, sequins, beads and paillettes went into this ugly, short sleeve $1900 sweater:
JCREW COLLECTION EMBELLISHED POPOVER
17. $1250 for this cashmere sweater that my boobs would pop out of:

JCREW COLLECTION DOUBLE-FACED CASHMERE POPOVER

18. Prison jumpsuits shouldn’t cost $300:Jcrew prison jumpsuit

JCrew COLLECTION CAPE TRENCH
21. If you want a varsity jacket so bad, you should probably go trolling high school parking lots for football players before you pay $400 for this one:
JCREW GOLDEN BEAR SPORTSWEAR® FOR J.CREW VARSITY JACKET22. Wearing pajamas outside is one thing. Paying $325 for a poorly fitted sleep shirt is another:
JCREW COLLECTION CAFÉ CAPRI IN TECHNICOLOR FLORAL WITH LACE24. This $1800 cashmere dress that seems like it would harbor a terrible stench of body odor:
JCREW COLLECTION DOUBLE-FACED CASHMERE DRESS25. I thought this scarf would cost $30. I was off by $465:JCREW HACIENDA MONTAECRISTO™ CLASSIC REBOZO SCARF 26. Seriously, even the model is embarrassed by this sweater:

JCrew ugly sweater

27. I don’t want to be one of those women who think pretty bridesmaids should be punished with fan dresses:

Jcrew ugly bridesmaid dress green28. But if you make your friends pay $400 for bridesmaids dresses, you should probably have them go ahead and hem those dresses too.

photo 529. And finally, these glasses, which despite their best efforts, will not turn me into Jenna Lyons:

photo 4