My J.Crew catalog arrived this weekend. Except it’s called a “Style Guide” instead of a catalog. Probably because creative director Jenna Lyons has turned J.Crew into a “cult brand” and is trying to inspire plebes like me to be more fashion forward. But after flipping through a few pages, I realized why I’ve pretty much stopped shopping there.
As much as I admire Jenna Lyons for creating whimsical shoes for Fashion Week and being able to pull off a jean jacket at a black tie event thrown by Anna Wintour, I can’t say I’m down with paying tons of money for some of the straight up ugly chic clothes J.Crew is trying to pawn off this season. The brand has been doing a bunch of more expensive “collection” items for the past few seasons, but this Fall these items seem to be guiding people toward the crazy place in the mid-90s when everyone was wearing boring, misshapen outfits to cleanse themselves from the 1980s neon-spandex haze.
The entire catalog is filled with little Easter eggs of fashion disaster surprises. So here’s what I WON’T be picking up this Fall from J.Crew:
1. This baseball hat that looks like it was custom made for Kris Jenner:
4. This monstrosity:
10. I’m not ready to go back to the shapeless pleated skirt phase of my life:
18. Prison jumpsuits shouldn’t cost $300:
27. I don’t want to be one of those women who think pretty bridesmaids should be punished with fan dresses:
29. And finally, these glasses, which despite their best efforts, will not turn me into Jenna Lyons: