bee shaffer met gala

Look, as everyone at the 2013 Met Gala last night realized, “no one was paying attention to the Punk theme.” The theme actually became “Everyone ignored this theme.” Ashley already pretty cruelly dismissed my favorite dress, worn by the lovely Bee Shaffer by saying: 

Not only does Anna Wintour‘s daughter Bee Shaffer look really pretty, the Sex Pistols were huge fans of subtle ombré and delicate appliqués.

…All right, we’re going to retire all “[first wave punk band] would have loved [oblivious rich person stuff]” before that joke starts sounding too bitter.

I wish Anna Wintour would have called me, because I had some really good theme ideas. Don’t worry. They can still be used next year! Well, some of them can be used next year. Some of them will be horribly dated by then, but I think some will be able to pull through. Seriously, I think these would be fun for everyone.

1) Subtle ombré and delicate appliqués. This is a great one that I think everyone can use, except Tilda Swinton. I think Tilda Swinton is probably going to fuck this one up, to be honest. She’ll show up with one giant appliqué and a lot of cut-outs. Like, some weird cut-out right where all of the appliqués should be. Why? Why does she ruin so much?

2) Dress like a photographer! Have you noticed there are photographers hovering in the background in every single one of these photos? Stars should dress like them. The hunter should become the hunted. They should all blur together into one vague tuxed-oed mass. (Photographers, in turn, should wear nude colored column gowns and roll their eyes slightly while muttering, “I just pretend they’re not even there.”).

3) The Roaring 20’s. I give you, this is going to seem a little bit dated by then, but Anna Wintour can at least pull something directly from the movie. Seriously. How was this not the theme this year? That seems insane to me. Because it was too obvious and that tiara Tiffany’s made was crying too hard to be worn by someone? 

4) The Slightly Muted 30’s. So, it’s going to be like the 20’s, but there’s going to be more desperation to the glamour, because of the terrible poverty surrounding it. The true theme is “escapism” but no one knows that. No one even whispers it. And yet, it is known.

5) Game of Thrones. We’ll play on the fact that Conde Nast is a very, very ruthless place, where you win or die. Also, I think someone could build Anna Wintour a dragon, and that would be fun. She’s look good on a dragon (she has a very straight back, great posture). It would really let people style their hair in some pretty weird, crazy, inventive ways. Really. This could work. 

6) Things Anna Wintour Specifically Likes. I’m going to be honest with you – this is my favorite theme, because it’s also a guessing game! A terrible, scary guessing game. To make it even more exciting, Anna will wear something she does not like, just to throw everyone else off track.

7) Loius XVII. Karl Lagerfeld once said that this was his favorite style, which reinforces my conviction that he is a time traveler. I’m pretty sure it’s the style in 2090, and all the robots just wear wigs. Beautiful powdered wigs.

8) Tasteful. Let’s all just be entirely honest – you know that all I want is for people to show up in some tasteful beige column gowns. That’s all I ever ask for. This would be the best theme. 

9) Come as you are! The thing is, I’m pretty sure that half of these people do make breakfast in some manner of vintage couture ballgown, so I think it might work out the same.