Get psyched, soccer moms. Sofia Vergara, master of the well-handled wardrobe malfunction, is adding a line of shapewear to her Kmart collection, and she promises it will be “fun and cute.”
Sofia already sells a line of clothing, shoes, jewelry, bedding and home accessories at Kmart, which is “geared towards soccer moms” (WWD’s words, not mine) but this will represent her first foray into the $800 billion/year midriff-squeezing industry. But does she, a glamorous but relatable Hollywood actress, use the stuff herself?
“Usually, when I go to an event I wear shapewear,” Vergara tells WWD. “It’s not to hold anything in, but to smooth everything out…shapewear has always been a part of a woman’s wardrobe, but I wanted it to look cute, not like a horrible girdle. It’s for the everyday woman who wants to look good without spending a lot of money.” And if a perfect-looking celebrity needs shapewear, you average ass soccer moms sure as hell do, too.
I’m sorry, but I’m going to call bullshit for a second. Sofia Vergara seems like a cool lady, and I realize the market for fat-squeezers is stupid huge in this country. But WTF is this dissembling bullshit about “smoothing everything out”? Smoothing what out, exactly? Are we to believe the fleshy areas covered by shapewear are simply dissheveled? No, they are chubby, or at least you think they are. “Smoothing out” vs “holding in” is meaningless semantic switcheroo that falls apart if you think about it for even one second.
Plus, I’m 100% convinced that “shapewear” is an awful product built to serve imaginary needs borne of widespread bodydysmorphia. Once upon a time, I bought a “shaping garment,” and it was horrible. I quickly realized that the tiny amount it flattened my stomach was perceptible only to me, and that all the sweating, itching, and having to pee every ten seconds were not worth the miniscule boost in self-confidence I could also have achieved for free by getting the fuck over it. But everyone else seems to love it, so maybe I was just doing it wrong?