I haven’t always been such an extreme, indisputable expert at fashion. No, there was a time in my life when I looked like this:
That’s me at a dog show with my dog, Murphy. We won runner-up grand champion because the judges all thought I had cancer, when in reality, I had shaved my head on a dare to impress a boy I had a crush on. It did not work out as planned. Anyway, I decided that if I could go back in time, I would bust in on this moment and tell myself a few things; maybe change some stuff around so that I’m not so embarrassing to my future self.
The dog is obviously the biggest problem. If I’d had a pet dragon, I may have felt a little more like a badass.
That’s better, but we’ve got a long way to go. Next order of business is my nails. Look at them! They don’t even have any color! What was I thinking?? Let’s make them pink. And now that I think about it, that grass is brown and almost dead… not a very flattering backdrop for me. I’ll spruce it up as well.
One other problem is it seems that the judges weren’t quite comfortable awarding the grand champion ribbon on the merits of pity alone. I imagine them sitting in their judge’s box talking about me and my disobedient wreck of a dog:
Judge #1: I think that… girl? …has cancer. Perhaps this is the last dog show of her life. We should let her win.
Judge #2: But that other kid’s dalmation can high-five and play dead!
Judge #1: Good point. Runner-up then?
Since I’m going to be time-traveling anyway, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to change my ribbon. I’m changing the ribbon’s color to purple because that’s the color of first place which, coincidentally, I almost surely would have won if I actually did have a dragon-dog. It seems fair.
Obviously the next thing we need to work on is my shirt. It offers very little contrast with my skin, giving the illusion that I’m some oddly-shaped, naked albino. I hear polka dots are all the rage now, so I’m going to give myself a polka dot shirt and a tan!
Would you look at that! The transformation is almost unbelievable! It’s like I’m some sort of time-traveling Stacy London! Stay tuned for the next episode of What Not To Wear In The Future.