Remember when we talked about the Weasel Belt? That was so much fun!! Ah, memories. But the fun isn’t over yet! This week, we’ll be highlighting the next line of products in our three-part weight-control extravaganza!
This is pure, hard science, folks. When God made gravity, He obviously intended for it to be used for something. Well, we’ve finally discovered what that might be! Did you know that when gravity is paired with something heavy, it can be used to flatten things? This principle can be applied to the field of weight-loss science, and that’s exactly what we’ve done with The Flattener!
Simply lie on the ground and place The Flattener on your stomach. You may want to keep a cell phone handy, as the amount of gravity contained within The Flattener has been known to cause rupture and extreme gastric bleeding and if that happens to you, there’s no way you’ll be able to get to a phone. You’re pretty much just stuck on the floor until someone comes to help you. That is one of the major downsides of The Flattener; a kink we’re still trying to work out.
Anyway, you may be thinking to yourself, “Well, sure, The Flattener will completely obliterate any hint of belly fat I may have once had, but can it also flatten my giant head?” And the answer is “Yes!”
We have created The Flattener for Faces, which is suitable for use on heads and faces. DO NOT use the original Flattener on your face or head. It contains far more gravity and it will ruin your skull and your brain, not to mention your facial structure.
The Flattener for Faces may impair your ability to communicate using facial expressions, so we’ve included a set of face paints. Simply paint the expression you wish to adopt on your face. When you no longer wish to have that expression, wipe it off with the included towelette.
If you lead an active lifestyle that is at least somewhat dependent on your ability to remain upright yet still want all the benefits of the flattener, we’ve designed a device just for you!
The U-Skinny-Rope is not dependent on gravity, so you can use it without having to lie motionless on the ground! Just think of all the opportunities this will open up for you! Dancing, skydiving, rock climbing, bull riding, laser tag – you can do it all* and still look fabulous with the U-Skinny-Rope.
*U-Skinny-Rope may impair your ability to breathe. Please do not use during long distance running or other endurance sports. Also not recommended for SCUBA diving.
So what are you waiting for? Order now! We accept all major credit cards. We are also open to bartering.