Are you one of the millions of people frustrated by get-thin-quick schemes?  Sick of buying every vibrating belt, shaking weight and diet pill you come across only to be devastated by the total lack of results?  Well, you might be surprised to hear that there are at least three products that GUARANTEE results!  Here is the first in a three-part, educational series on these wonderful products!

The Weasel Belt is a revolutionary new product that uses the wonders of weasels to whittle your waist!  Was that egregious alliteration annoying? You bet it was!

Anyway, the Weasel Belt works by attaching a cage-like structure to your abdomen and then releasing several live, rabid weasels into the enclosure.  You don’t even have to do anything!  You just sit there and let the weasels gnaw your love handles away!

The weasels used in Weasel Belt are genetically engineered to have a deficiency in the appetite-regulating hormone leptin, so they’re always hungry!  You can use Weasel Belt any time of the day or night.

There are three settings on Weasel Belt:  Beginner, Intermediate and HOLY SHITBALLS THEY’RE EATING MY COLON!!!!  MAKE THEM STOP!!! I DON’T WANT THIS PRODUCT ANYMORE!!!  OH GOD, THEY’VE ESCAPED INTO MY CHEST CAVITY AND NOW THEY ARE EATING MY HEART AND I AM ALMOST DEAD!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING!!!????  WHAT ARE THEY DOING??!!! WHAT ARE THEY DOING?? OH GOD NO!!!!!

The level you choose is entirely dependent on your pain tolerance and how thin you want to be.  Do you want to be just a spinal cord and a few vertebrae in the middle?  No problem.  You can literally be as thin as you want when you use Weasel Belt.   You can be so thin that you don’t even have legs anymore because weasels ate your entire midsection and therefore there is nothing left to attach legs to your body!  Look as hard as you want, but you won’t find any bullshit diet drug that can do that for you.

The best part about Weasel Belt is that you are using your corpulent body to feed hungry, homeless weasels. Every weasel used in Weasel Belt was personally rescued from a life of hardship by Sarah Mclachlan and part of the purchase price of Weasel Belt will go toward funding future weasel rescues. So basically we’re telling you that you can be as thin as you want without moving a muscle and you can help small, adorable animals.

What the hell are you waiting for? Order Weasel Belt now!

Please stay tuned next week for way too much information on another product that will make you thin almost instantly!