During the Summer Olympics, we all get to feel bad about our beach bodies watching a horde of hard bodied warriors fight for national glory in uniforms that are basically underwear. The Winter Olympics are more of a worldwide pageant where everyone forgets that it isn’t 1983 and remembers that Russia’s borders might have questionable security. Spandex! Flames! Toothpaste bombs!
Enjoy the best body skimming monstrosities the 2014 Sochi Olympics have to offer.
The internet already named Ralph Lauren’s opening ceremony outfit the worst ever, but we can’t let this go yet. The Opening Ceremony sets the tone of the entire shebang. If you are going to make our heroes wear Disney World-esque American schlock, at least go with camo or western wear to symbolize our penchant for world domination. I have, at one point, combined an oversized leopard print sweater with hot pink lipstick, lace tights, and an actual bonnet and I find this tacky. Ralph Lauren, I thought I knew you.
Why yes, that is an actual eagle painted onto Katie Uhlaender‘s skeleton racing helmet. Because nothing says wisdom and strength like hurling yourself down an ice luge on a device that lacks brakes or steering capabilities. However, the ten-year-old me who always wanted airbrushed tee shirts at the beach is very, very jealous. See also: blue camo.
Not even the Von Trapp children would be caught in this ensemble. Why don’t the legs of your pants match? Why are the jackets decorated with neon, but the pants are navy and black? Did they even try to find less offensive sunglasses? So many questions I have for the 2014 cross country skiing team.
Nicholas Alexander‘s ski jumping outfit isn’t horrible. But then you see a picture of the always bulgy Rex Racer, who Wikipedia describes as a “heroic, mysterious, flamboyant, selfless, sympathetic and often brooding soldier of fortune.” I can only imagine that’s the look he was going for when he chose white pants.
Someone needs to make an action movie featuring a speed skating team robbing Swiss banks. The US team is ready. Just look at those catsuits.
Another original helmet for fans of Daft Punk and Miami Vice. If it surprises you that a skeleton racer takes up two spots on this list, remember that it’s a sport where you dive head first down an icy slope and steer only with the torque of your head and neck.
If you know only one thing about Lolo Jones, now that she enjoys
boy shorts posing like Wonder Woman in patriotic spandex. I really wish the designer had just committed to wrapping the flag all the way around her leg.
I actually enjoy Alpine skiier Julia Mancuso‘s outfit, but I also enjoy Motley Crue, Brat Pack movies, and the Carrie Diaries. Paint spatters belong with other 80s nostalgia.
Not only has luge competitor Tucker West forsaken his country in aqua and purple, he let a ten year old who likes to draw flames on all of his school supplies design his costume.
For real ski style, I leave you with this.