the offending vera bradley bag

We all knew that Vera Bradley bags were kind of ugly, but now they’ll get you kicked out of school?

Because the United States is terrified of absolutely everything, a harmless eighth grade boy was suspended yesterday for carrying a purse. Not an exploding purse, not a purse with a gun in it, not a purse with “death to the President” written on it. Just a purse.

Skyler Davis, a 13-year-old with a perfectly acceptable affinity for paisley, has worn a small cross-body bag all year. The school’s assistant principal, who has not made himself available for comment, handed out Skyler’s one-day suspension with no warning.

The Kansas middle school’s handbook contains no rules to back up this decision, and female students reportedly carry bags without incident. His mother comments, “Skyler has been going to school since August with that same Vera Bradley bag on– hasn’t taken it off. What is the problem?”

The problem, ma’am, is that your son presents himself as a penis-haver. We can’t distract the other students by letting a no-good queer fill pockets with items.

skyler's totally unoffensive purse

A champion of quilted cotton and self-love, Skyler says he has no plans to abandon his purse, despite threats that it will land him more suspension days. “I don’t think anyone should be treated differently,” he tells his local news station. “I think everyone should have the same privileges. It expresses myself and I think everyone else can wear it, so I wear it as well.” Uh, hell yes he can.

Isn’t 2013 a little late for this bullshit? We wonder why the suicide rate is so high among LGBT kids, and yet we kick freaking middle schoolers out of class for wobbling on the gender role tight rope. If Skyler were using his bag to whack other kids in the face, okay, you’d have a case. But since he’s a kid carrying a purse and harming nobody, how about we grow the hell up and accept that some people are different. For the love of Vera.