When planning a wedding, every detail can be fraught with emotion. Every ribbon and hors d’oeuvre is a loaded message you are sending about who you are as an adult individual, and who you and your partner will be as a couple. That’s why when I heard that my friend was holding her wedding at CBGB in New York, I threw an envy-filled hipster crying fit because I would never be as cool as she was. I eventually got over it, but I never was as cool as the CBGB bride.
But because everything about your wedding is basically an expression of who you are as a person, carved in stone from that day forward, here’s what your wedding venue says about you:
You have an abiding love of strawberries, composed salads, and halibut, but you also have a healthy appreciation for thick, grilled hamburgers and seasoned fries. You make ponytails look chic as hell, and you are never without a cocktail in your hand. The fear of being “basic” haunts you at night, but don’t worry because someday you will grow up to be Lucille Bluth.
You are so chill. If anyone ever tries to say you are not chill, you will stab them with a shrimp fork. (You’ve done it before) You have been to Coachella and at some point in your life you have spent more than $30 on sea salt spray to get “beachy” waves. You are really tan and really happy with your body. You know what “mindfulness” means and can use it in a sentence.
Unlike Little Miss Country Club up there, you have never worried about being basic a day in your life. Your glasses are as real as your tattoos, and you have read Proust on the subway. At least one of your parents probably does something cool, like being an artist or an architect or something. You have excellent hair, and even your preppy friends friends come to you for style advice.
Your wedding announcement will definitely be in the New York Times Style section. You know what it means to be “on the board” of something, and one of your old babysitters is famous now. You read the New Yorker, or at least consider buying it sometimes when you see it at an airport. You tell really dirty jokes and enjoy the occasional cigar. Just a heads’ up: One of your fiance’s college friends is totally going to break the shit out of something. I really hope it’s not a dinosaur.
You have read all of Harry Potter and consider yourself an expert on medieval history. (Those things are unrelated.) You try to be cool, but you freak out whenever you see a celebrity. There’s about a 60-percent chance you have a master’s in library science. A friend will make your dress, and it will be as unique as you are.
You know Aurora was the best Disney princess. When you were a kid, all you wanted was a skirt that would flatten out when you twirled. You play at least one stringed instrument, and you think life would be better if you could direct everything in it as though it were a movie. You would particularly like to assign costumes to all your friends so you wouldn’t have to worry about your friends showing up in novelty T-shirts all the time. (Not that that has actually happened, but you worry about it.)
You are a master of turning any situation to your favor. In fact, your life has been so successful you can’t even be mad that CBGB is a John Varvatos store now. The Internet has been good to you, and you have many high-end shoes, craft beers, and your hair never has flyaways. You might even have a baby now. You never liked other babies all that much, but your baby is awesome. Your baby is totally going to Harvard.
In A Barn
You totally just squealed at the picture of those baby goats, then started Googling to see if you could get baby goats at your wedding.
You were on Pinterest before it was cool. Your mason jars are actual vintage, and you can put chalkboard paint on anything. Back in high school, you read Shakespeare for fun and put on your own plays. Your gown is vintage, every dude in your bridal party has a beard, and most of your wedding budget is going towards food. Your partner is taking an active role in at least one aspect of wedding planning. There will be a photobooth. You are the happiest person in the world.