Walking into Forever21 or H&M is my kryptonite–it is physically impossible for me to leave the store without buying at least two items of clothing and some trinket costume jewelry. I know it’s not the most eco-friendly of ways to shop, but I still buy a lot of clothes from fast-fashion high street stores. I can’t justify spending the same money on a designer dry-clean only blouse that I could get three outfits and a new pair of shoes with. Most of the time, I don’t have a problem with inexpensive clothes. They last longer than the mullet skirt trend (thank goodness that’s over) and I certainly get more than my money’s worth. Occasionally, mass production wins over garment quality and I’m left with a real doozy of a garment.
If you too are a lover of cheap clothing, these are the things that have probably happened to you at some point:
1. Your blue jeans have given you blue legs. And a blue sofa.
Nothing like a bit of color transfer to make it look like you’re always wearing tights.
2. Your adult-sized top shrunk so much that it can now barely fit a baby.
Well, it’s a good thing crop tops are in this season.
3. Your faux fur vest sheds more than your Golden Retriever.
It was the mangy street cat look you were going for right?
4. Your fly just doesn’t stay done up–and the pants aren’t too small.
Curse you gravity–and curse you zipper for not doing the one job you’re supposed to do.
5. Or your fly only does up halfway.
Why must you tease me like this? If I was going to have this many problems, I would have just worn sweatpants like I wanted to.
wool polyester sweater has become so thin that you can even see your nude bra through it.
Just pretend it’s intentional and that you’re going for the Rihanna naked-but-technically-clothed look.
7. You’ve gotten stuck in a dress and needed to cut yourself out.
I really hope you’re not claustrophobic because I doubt that fabric is breathable.
8. You discovered that your light-colored top has a special yellow print that gets more obvious the more you wash the shirt.
What a surprise, I didn’t know the top had a secret pattern when I bought it. I bet that they spent years trying to perfect the technology to be able to do that.
9. You realized too late that there really should have been a button there.
Why did I ever think that a top with three buttons would close and cover properly? Clearly this was my error and not the manufacturer’s.
10. Or you didn’t know you had the strength in your thumb and index finger to snap a button in half.
Wow, I think I may be turning into the Hulk. I’ve ripped poorly sewn buttons off plenty of times, but never have I broken one in half. This new-found power feels good.
11. You have so many threads hanging off you that you look like you’re wearing fringe.
Unless you’re at Coachella and also wearing daisy headband, you can’t get away with this.
12. You have no sewing experience, but are pretty sure that the sleeves have been put on the wrong sides.
So this could be the reason why I think my shirt is backwards, despite me clearly having it on the right way.
13. You’re convinced you have monkey arms because the long-sleeve top comes three inches past your elbows.
Is there a new sleeve length trend that I didn’t know about, or do I have a special top that only shrinks in the sleeves?
14. The hem unravels whenever you walk more than 20 steps.
Well at least that solves the problem of me wanting to lengthen my skirt. Now the only issue is what do I do about this fraying edge and this massive thread tail?
15. You try out a new fabric, only to discover that it is not breathable.
Now I know what it feels like to drown in my own sweat.