Does the thought of a camel-toe cause you to burst into uncontrolable giggles? Do you feel a pressing need to pretend you do not have lady parts? Do you refer to your lady parts as “lady parts?” Camelflage panties are for you! They’ll sort of smoosh your genitals down so that no one can see them. Here’s the pitch:

“Shhhhh…Women have their beauty and fashion secrets and this is one of them. If you are an active, fashion conscious or contemporary woman then Camelflage panties are for you. These aren’t your ordinary panty, they were specifically designed to smooth out your feminine parts under tight clothing. Yoga and exercise pants, leggings, tight shorts, skinny jeans or even some work trousers can have a shorter inseam. You have enough to worry about these days; the last thing you need to think about is your panties riding up during your cardio kick boxing class.”

Here are the circumstances under which I think it would be useful to wear camelflage panties:

1) I am a drug mule but do not wish to stick the drugs all the way up in my lady bits. Because I am a lady, I want to keep the crunk in my labial folds, but do not want anyone to know it’s there.

2) I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe of robots and my human genitals will give me a way.

3) I am a method actor playing a man who has been castrated. Who am I? I am Academy Award winner Cate Blanchett. It is nice to meet you.

4) I want to win America’s Next Top Model. My “thing” is going to be that I “don’t have genitals.”

5) I am all leggings and all kickboxing all the time. I am a ninja. Ninjas don’t have a va-jay-jay.