Francesca Eastwood wearing jean shorts at Coachella 2013

You can’t swing a cross-body satchel around Coachella without hitting someone in a pair of jean shorts. Francesca Eastwood up there shows as much skin as humanly possible, and who could blame her, in a tiny printed bikini top and jorts cut off so high the pockets dangle below the hem. (Some jorts are actually made that way. Sure, the manufacturer could just make the pockets shorter, but then people might think these shorts are just very short. The dangling pockets make sure everyone notices that these are really short).

The problem with jorts is that they aren’t exactly exclusive. While fancy designer versions can be had for hundreds of dollars, it’s also true that pretty much anybody could get the same look by taking a pair of scissors to their own jeans. So to make sure nobody mistakes you for a poor, it’s important to slip in an expensive accessory or two, like an Hermès bracelet. That way everyone will know that you’re fancy, and if you run out of things to talk about you can always set it on fire later.

Alessandra Ambrosio wearing jean shorts at Coachella 2013

Alessandra Ambrosio’s Coachella arsenal is full of floppy hats and long, swingy patterned scarves. This one goes with her sorbet-colored cutoffs. Were her toenails painted to match the shorts, or were the shorts picked to match the pedicure?

Audrina Patridge wearing jean shorts at Coachella 2013

Audrina Patridge somehow found leopard-print cutoffs and seems to have paired them with a Chanel bag. The booties have promised to support her as long as she doesn’t attempt to veer from paved surfaces.

Rumer Willis wearing jean shorts at Coachella 2013

Rumer Willis and her spectacular cat-eye sunglasses opted for basic black Coachella jorts cropped so high it looks like she’s very nearly having one of those uncomfortable lower-half wardrobe malfunctions, but it’s OK because she’s wearing it over what looks like a one-piece bathing suit. One-piece bathing suits are just the best, aren’t they?

Behati Prinsloo wearing jean shorts at Coachella 2013.

Behati Prinsloo doesn’t even have to button her jorts, because they are held up by the dreams of small children. We might live in a cynical society, but as long as there are little boys and girls out there who believe they will some day go to Coachella and have their pictures taken by the bright young things with their Canon EOS 5D Mark IIIs set to auto, Prinsloo’s shorts will never fall.

Photos: WENN