After four years of
diligent studying, a different themed party every weekend, you’ve amassed enough wacky outfits to clothe the entire cast of an Austin Powers sequel (thought you were the only one who owned eight different colored feather boas?). When the time comes to finally move out of your dorm for good, there are pieces of clothing that should never make it off the campus grounds. No matter how much you want that sparkly cowboy hat and those hooker heels, they just won’t work in real life–unless you studied a very unique degree, that is.
Here are the 10 things, that no matter how amazing they are, just don’t work after you get your degree (sob):
1. Witty Slogan T-Shirt
Some slogan tops aren’t funny (read: Stop looking at my tits. Touch them) but remember that witty one t-shirt you found and you literally laughed out loud when you read it? It was hilarious, and maybe a bit offensive. You wore it to all the keggers and made people laugh without having to rehearse a Chelsea Handler style comedy routine. Yes it is still funny, but please throw it out. One day you will not have done laundry and wear it out to the store to grab milk, only to run into your new boss. There goes any chance of a promotion. Ever.
2. The Going-out “Dress”
In college, the definition of dress isn’t as clearly defined as it is after you graduate. In school a tunic was a dress, a top could probably be a dress and a proper dress was something your grandma would wear. Now thanks to that BA in English, you realize that your go-to club dress was in fact a top. You could actually wear it with some pants, but with the amount of sweat, booze and tears that have soaked into it, place it into the garbage with the reassurance that yes, you did learn something for $100,000.
3. Decorated Backpack
Yes, backpacks are totally a thing right now. You can blame the fact that designers travelled back in time to the nineties and no one told them this is actually 2014. But the chic leather backpacks of today are a lot different than the one you lugged textbooks in everyday. You may have decorated it all fancy with patches and key chains, but that doesn’t make it clean. Pulling your résumé out of a dirty bag that still has some dried out sandwich at the bottom isn’t going to get you hired.
4. Major Platforms
Who wouldn’t get excited for a pair of shoes for $30? They were probably from some store that had “urban” in the title and you tottered around in them every night (walking was impossible because they had no traction, and you wearing #2). Sadly, the days of getting away with wearing cheap shoes are over once you’ve passed your degree. Yes, $30 is such as steal for shoes, but do you really want to still be wearing things that are made out of worse plastic than a Dollar Store action figure? The Spice Girls gave up their chunky shoes long ago (though I like to think Victoria wears hers around her and David’s place) and you should, too.
5. Metallic Leggings
After wearing the same old top-dress (see #2) a few times, you wanted to switch up your clubwear. Let’s be real, that dress did need a pre-choreographed dance routine, otherwise you risked revealing Victoria’s Secret. Then you saw some hipster kid wearing metallic pink leggings and thought, “I want that look–except not the fake mustache and glasses without lenses.” You went to the mall and bought the shiniest pair of leggings $10. The material wasn’t even printed on the tag and you could start a fire with the friction they created when you walk, but you cared? You glittered like a disco ball. If you still love a metallic, do yourself-and you lady parts-a favor and go get yourself a pair of breathable metallic pants. They don’t even make squishy sounds when you walk and you don’t need to use a shoe horn to peel them off.
6. Second Year Semi-Formal Outfit
Yes I know it’s a really special dress, because that was the dance you went to with Josh. You thought it was a splurge when you went to the formal section of Macy’s and got a $100. You felt fancy and grown-up. Give up the dress, it’s 100% polyester and probably one step above your prom gown. You moved on from Josh in third year, now it’s time to say goodbye to the dress.
7. College Hoodie
Remember how proud you were to be starting college when you were a bright-eyed, bushy tailed freshman? Up until that point, you had only pulled an all-nighter partying, not studying and you decided to go to the campus bookstore and buy a school sweater to show your pride. You then wore the thing whenever you were cold/feeling lazy/or going to the gym for the next four years. It’s now faded and one of the letters has started to peel off. It’s time to throw that one away. Buy a new, clean one if you must, and keep it in a memory box.
Remember the cool girl in high school who had Uggs and you desperately wanted a pair (oh how naïve we were)? Well, as soon as you got your student loan, you were the proud owner of a pair of sheepskin boots. That fluffy inside was the equivalent of a goose-down bed for feet that spent the last eight hours prior dancing in heels that had much cushioning as the coach no one used in your common room.
9. Animal Onesie
After a few nights out, that onesie was probably as matted and molted as a stray cat. Yes, it’s hilarious that you and your friends dressed up like a herd of cattle and walked the city streets, scarring tourists, but when are you ever going to do that now? You wouldn’t even want to sleep in the thing, you’d have to wash your sheet.
10. See-through Leggings
You know the ones I’ve talking about. They were so comfy, (no jeans! no buckle! no need to worry about bloating!) that you wanted to wear them everywhere. They had two legs so you assumed they could replace you regular pants. You did a butt check in the mirror and confirmed they weren’t that see-through (only if you bent over or wore certain shades of underwear). After a couple washings, I think it’s time to take a look in the mirror again. Those not-really-only-if-you-look-really-hard sheer leggings are most definitely see-through now. Throw them away or risk being arrested for indecent exposure.