We replicated Karl Lagerfeld and have his clone locked in the basement with only one valet. We can’t guarantee that this is exactly what the first Karl would advise, but we think it comes fairly close. Feel free to direct any romantic quandaries to Jennifer[at]thegloss.com or Ashley[at]thegloss.com. Each week, the Kaiser will tackle a new question submitted by you.

And so:


Dear Karl,

I love the Twilight series more than anything. I’ve read each book three times! Unfortunately, while reading this timeless tale of good vs evil, I realized that I’ll never find love like the kind Bella and Edward share. How can I find my own Edward Cullen, in a world of mortal men?

Sparkling Priestess, Missouri



Szis credit card does not work. What is szis stories of youngblooded love making? It is animalistic, it is base. Young people making love like pigs on ze floor, zhat is what books are about zese days? It is a vulgarity. I guess it is somehow impressive that you have read ze Nightlight books many times, it is charming, yes. I love books, you know, I have more zhan 250,000 books in one of my studios. I have read zhem all three times as well. I do not take a kind of pretentious satisfaction about zis. Reading is, for myself, about ze present. Eyes open, you are reading, you are zhinking about ze artist’s world. Teenagers with all of zhese, how do you say? Genitals? Teenagers with zheir genitals, dragging zhem everywhere, zhis is not a kind of art.

I szink reading is very important, it is vitality. But do not read zhese common manuscripts. Zhey fill your head with poisons and sweets. Zhey will make your brain plump and healthy, how do you say… sluggish? Like ze size four. Perhaps, zhough, you have zhis melancholic idea and zhere is romance in zhat. I say what you must do is you must take yourself to ze building, wearing ze white gown, and you must climb to ze top and look down, from above ze stars. Not below, from above zhem, zhat is veyr important to do. You must look down zhrough ze stars and zhen you must ask yourself, why do I read zhis trash zhat romances immortality? It is not real.

Zhis is ze most alive you will ever feel and no man, not living, not an artist, will give you zhat. Also, perhaps lose ten pounds?