Last night’s Divergent premiere in Los Angeles was an embarrassment of riches, but only if you like ugly dresses and bizarre suits. In fact, this has to be one of the worst red carpets I’ve seen in a long time. These are all beautiful people who for the most part know how to get dressed in the morning, but almost everything went horribly wrong here. Who’s in charge of looking nice (I don’t know, personally, and have never looked nice a day in my life)? Someone fell down on the job.
I love the idea of Shailene Woodley‘s Elie Saab Fall 2010 Couture gown, but that pattern is great-grandmother of the Bat Mitzvah at best. It’s nice to see her all glammed up but with her trademark minimal (relatively speaking) makeup, but this just didn’t do it for me in any capacity.
Not wild about those folds there.
Being a dude on the red carpet is so stupidly easy, as evidenced by Theo James. Be handsome, wear a suit with some small, barely unique detail (vest), show up. This is an excellent comparison for some of James’ costars, who could not follow these simple directions. Get ready.
I love the color of Ashley Judd‘s gown so much that I want to take it behind the high school and make out with it (in this fantasy, I am also in high school–nothing’s weird here). But I just couldn’t tell you what’s happening up top–the layers are completely confusing, baggy, and distracting. Things got worse when Judd had to move:
In this picture, it would appear that the dress is made out of those jersey bedsheets that got really popular around the time I left for college, but shiny. Fantastic!
What fuckery is this Balenciaga number on Zoe Kravitz? I might find myself super into this dress if Kravitz herself didn’t look so embarrassed to be wearing it, but coupled with that obvious discomfort, it looks like a mix of the Prom you don’t want to go to and a shot gun wedding dress that Pamela Anderson would declare “cute!” at the height of her fame.
I did not know who Jai Courtney was until this exact moment, but I applaud his unique suiting choice. Also, he has a nice face to look at with my eyes.
Whoa whoa whoa, Ansel Elgort. First of all, your name tells me that you’re not an actor but in fact an international jewelry thief. I simply cannot get behind the silver suit, shirt, and tie. Those shoes are a sight to behold.
And rounding out the creative suiting options is one Miles Teller, who gets points for trying something cool with the teal suit and loses points for accessorizing with red shoes. That’s one very sad Christmas tree, indeed.
Okay, Maggie Q. We get it, you’re not wearing underpants. This Anthony Vaccarello simply isn’t my favorite, to say the least, but I would like to know what kind of leg exercises she’s been doing.
Next up: the best dressed star of the night.
And here is Kate Winslet, who was the only real success of the night.
Her simple red SAFiYAA Spring 2014 gown looked stunning, especially compared to the rest of this riff raff. I love her beachy hair and minimal makeup, and I’m prepared to call this a very successful use of cutouts. She wins the night by far. Somebody had to actually show up.