According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, the “Thong is Dead!” It seems like a pretty stupid thing to kill. The thong is a perfectly fine kind of undergarment. You know the only time a thong is really a horrible idea? When you use it as a scrunchie, as Cosmo has suggested in the past.

And you know what a thong is really good at? Insuring that you don’t have visible panty lines under your dresses. Having a nude colored thong to put on when you’re wearing a white dress in the summer (or white pants) seems like a really good thing to have in your wardrobe. Cosmo tells me that this is over now that there are no visible panty lines panties! And another three exclamation points!!!

Well, that’s terrific. Yay, diversity! But why does that mean that we’re supposed to get rid of our thongs? Sure, if this was really an improvement upon a design, that would make sense. But thongs were never really uncomfortable.

Yes, I realize there’s a camp that claims that thong = permanent wedgie. Really though, if your thong is giving you a permanent wedgie, it’s probably the wrong size. It’s too small. Go back to the store, and buy one in a proper size. See how it is no longer painful? That’s really the way it ought to be fitting.

Cosmopolitan also points out that your thong probably doesn’t look very good on you but the  underwear designed to have no visible panty lines doesn’t exactly scream “sex goddess” either. For the most part they seem to scream “I am tan and seamless” and that’s about it.

But Cosmo still tells me that the thong is not trendy anymore. This strikes me as the most depressing news of all, as I thought that my underwear was the one part of my wardrobe where I – or any woman – didn’t need to be overly concerned with fashion trends. And, providing your underwear is clean and not full of holes, I really can’t imagine a sex situation where someone is horrified that it is not de mode (though if someone ever does say that, I salute you for clearly having gotten Karl Lagerfeld into bed).

That said, I’ll admit this is partly motivated because they claim that boyshorts are replacing thongs, which unlike thongs, I do find gives me a permanent wedgie. For God’s sakes, the picture of the model they’ve got next to the post shows her in the process of receiving a wedgie from her boyshorts. I’d much rather deal with a tiny piece of fabric rather than a massive enormous wedge of fabric. Anyhow, since apparently we can only like one type of underwear, boyshorts suck, team thong forever.