Donna Karan New York has released a new collection of hosiery called Evolution and–though they look like pretty standard workhorse sheer-to-opaque tights–they’re actually much more than that. They employ future technology. Because they’ve evolved.

Rather than try and tell you about this watershed scientific breakthrough with a straight face, we’ll let Karan take it away. Yes, Evolution’s little press launch is accompanied by the following message from Karan herself, because the heads of fashion empires certainly have time to sit around writing copy for their online tights collections:

Evolution, our newest hosiery collection, is the first-ever wellness hosiery. Based on advanced knitting technology, Evolution pampers and invigorates legs with an all-over graduated compression for enhanced support and micro-massaging. So your legs feel energized all day. Most important, Evolution looks as sleek and chic as any of our hosiery. They feel good to the touch and create a smooth, sculpted silhouette under even the most body-conscious clothes. Evolution hosiery is so comfortable, you almost don’t want to take them off, even after a long day. They come in Seasonless Sheer and Seasonless Opaque, in four quintessential shades – Black, Off Black, DK Grey and Chocolate. Putting on a pair of Evolution is like checking your legs into a day spa – something indulgent you do for yourself and only you will know.

When you woke up this morning, did you think you’d read the phrase “advanced knitting technology”? We didn’t.

Anyway, tights that promise to “invigorate legs [with] all-over graduated compression” will fit perfectly into your sucker’s wardrobe, right beside your toning sneakers and calorie-burning underwear.