jennifer lopez

There is another article today about a dress that supposedly works for every woman, as though that is some kind of weird anomaly, and most dresses work only for three women (all of them, strangely, named Brandi, with a heart over the ‘i’). That does not seem… like a sensible business plan to say the least. But I have thought about it, and I have come up with some dresses that do not work for every woman. Namely:

  • Dresses made entirely out of spikes
  • Dresses that have no holes that one could put one’s head in (appropriate for headless women, admittedly)
  • Dresses that are not dresses at all, but merely suffocating paint, like in old James Bond movies
  • Dresses that are not “dresses” per se, insofar as they are not made out of fabric, but exist only in the gleaming imagination of the designer
  • Dresses that weight 500 pounds (still appropriately worn by certain women, such as giants, or members of some royal families who are good at wearing really, really heavy clothing).
  • Dresses made out of glass that shatters terrible easily
  • Dresses made out of human flesh (for women who are not into dresses made out of human flesh, which, admittedly, may merely be a vocal majority)
  • Dresses that are pants
  • Dresses that are shirts and contain no bottom portion
  • Dresses that are made out of ice, terrible, frigid ice
  • Dresses that are covered in poison
  • Dresses that are covered in any manner of liquid food product, thus drawing flies
  • Dresses that are poorly designed and do not accommodate most body types.