Since there’s NO WAY you’re sick of Oscars coverage yet, here’s a short and sweet Editors Discuss in which EIC Jennifer Wright and Deputy editor Ashley Cardiff hash out the memorably lovely looks from Gwyneth Paltrow and Esperanza Spalding.

Ashley: This is the first Oscars in a while where we have our work cut out for us. By which I mean we have two really, really strong looks on the red carpet… and Tilda Swinton wasn’t even there! Or Cate Blanchett!

Jennifer: I feel really proud of never disliking Gwyneth Paltrow as much as I could. Sure, she wants people to buy $500 paella pans as Christmas gifts at the height of the recession, but good lord, that cape!

Ashley: Yes, that cape. When I first saw her come down the carpet, my thought was, “Oh my fucking god, Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing a cape,” and roughly half a second later, my thought was, “Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing the fuck out of that cape.” How is this possible, God? I asked.

"Because of the neckline, Ashley."

Jennifer: It’s possible because God loves people who make delicious paella. He gives them flat bellies, and a sense of panache.

Ashley: I want to make a joke about why he didn’t smile on Penelope Cruz, who looked silly but is actually from Spain and therefore probably makes better paella than Paltrow, because Paltrow comes from the same part of Britain that Madonna is from. You can tease it out yourself.

Jennifer: But that joke got too convoluted and potentially racist, so you backed away from it, slowly.

Ashley: I don’t think it’s racist to assume anyone cooks anything better than Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, I assume Jean Dujardin makes better cassoulet than her, too.


Jennifer: Doesn’t she have an outside wood burning pizza oven in her backyard?

Ashley: Yes. Tangentially, I feel like if Penelope Cruz did have that woodburning pizza oven in her backyard, she wouldn’t have the appalling obliviousness to volunteer pizza recipes along with that information. But we’re not saying near enough about Esperanza Spalding.

Jennifer: So you think Penelope Cruz is a liar. That’s cool. I think Esperanza Spalding looked fantastic.

Ashley: That’s because she did.

Jennifer: It was really the hair combined with the dress. If she’d had some delicate French twist going it would have been so boring.

Ashley: She looked phenomenal from head-to-toe. Her makeup was so on point, the dress was so her, etc. She was my favorite look of the night. Though I’ll admit that–a year from now–Paltrow’s will probably be the more memorable.

Needed something to block this out.

Jennifer: I just want to look like Gwyneth Paltrow. I mean, I know I can never look like Esperanza. She is obviously fundamentally cool in a way I will never be. But I kind of think I could pull off the Gwyneth thing if I worked really hard.

Ashley: You mean “steely, emotionally-atrophied patrician”? You mean like you?

Jennifer: But with better abs.

Ashley: They were so flat!

Jennifer: Wasn’t it astonising!?

Ashley: But really, the neckline made it, right? That beautiful slash across her collar between the shoulders of the cape? Man, what a dress. I don’t know how we’re supposed to argue over this, when really we should just be high-fiving that at least two famous ladies showed up and did something interesting that really, really worked. It’s an embarassment of riches.

This is how it fucking feels.

Jennifer: I love it when we agree.

Ashley: So… that’s it? We just agree that they both looked awesome?

Jennifer: Umm… well, yes. Hold on. I hated that other thing you liked.

Ashley: Are you trying to start a fight with me?

Jennifer: You know, that other thing. Kale… liberalism… I’m not including “Brooklyn”, but only out of respect to Truman Capote.

Ashley: Man, the day I told you he lived in Brooklyn Heights must have been really hard on you.

Jennifer: Like a dagger to my heart.