Do you value your right to wear absurd swimwear? Then listen closely. The first victim of a seaside crackdown on “loutish and lewd behavior” in the beach town of Newquay (located in Cornwall, England) was an unfortunate fellow wearing a “mankini” (seen above on Borat). Despite the fact that it covers most of a man’s key bathing suit places (granted, just barely), the prudish authorities deemed it too hot for the beach. According to The Telegraph, the boorish young man was “forced to hand over” the offending garment, which makes me wonder: did he just take it off, or what? Was the sight of his fully exposed bangers and mash less offensive to them than the neon anal floss of a mankini? Answer: probably.

This is clearly an example of fascism in action. Much like the pig who hassled me in Central Park, the Cornwallian cops just couldn’t handle how very comfortable and carefree he was with his bony, hairy man-body. It’s one thing to crack down on underage drinking, especially considering the drinking age in England is 18. It’s another to take away a man’s God given right to wear a mankini. If there is any justice in the land, the cops will return the hilarious garment and apologize. Will and Kate, if you’re listening: a royal intervention would be much appreciated. Won’t someone please think of the mankinis?