Perhaps the easiest way to land in Fashion Disasters is to wear intensely sparkly stuff or intensely busy stuff. Or, pairing intensely sparkly stuff with intensely busy stuff, in which case you’ve made my eyeballs explode and I’m gonna hold that against you. Because I need those.

So Madonna, congratulations on both the sparkliest AND the busiest outfit I’ve seen in ages (no small feat after Ashlee Simpson’s contribution to the glitter canon yesterday).

I can’t even wrap my head around this dress–it’s so bright, scatter-brained, shiny and incomprehensible it’s like watching Pokemon drunk. The sleeves, the neckline, the pattern: I have no clue what’s going on.

Now, maybe with simple black tights and your hair pulled back in a sleek bun, with little to no jewelry and minimal make-up, you could let this dress make a big statement…

…But look at these boots. Look at this hallucinogenic swirl of blinding white rivets. If you’re going to wear a dress like that, don’t pair it with a damn PVC Magic Eye.

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