I know what you’re thinking– you really love horrible, kitschy porn, but you’re disappointed that your favorite paperback erotica doesn’t come with any fun merchandise. Well, it’s your lucky day, perv! The
fanfiction writer renowned author behind Fifty Shades of Grey, E L James, has designed her own line of lacy undergarments. In the words of her antiheroine Anastasia Steele, holy cow!
Thanks to a collaboration with Swedish clothing chain KappAhl, James has made it possible for you to cover your “down there“ region (her words) with fancy panties that would undoubtedly seduce a sadistic millionaire. The lingerie is primarily black and–get it?!– gray, and comes complete with some kind of hideous blindfold that looks like a doily. For when your abusive boyfriend wants to spice things up while he flogs you with a pancake spatula or spits white wine into your vacuous mouth. The masks were James’ idea (you can see them here), and she tells the Wall Street Journal that she was “taken with them” and that KappAhl “seem to get it.” I do not get it.
Admittedly, I’ve written about Fifty Shades of Grey multiple times because it really is a fascinating story. Not the story between Ana and Christian Grey, of course, but the story of how E L James convinced thousands of women that these books aren’t shit. Not only is the dialogue laughable, but the whole book glamorizes a nonconsensual relationship and teaches uninformed readers that BDSM is synonymous with rape. It’s irresponsible writing. The message is unsafe and unhot and one look at the movie cast can tell you it’s gonna be awkward. I don’t want to reread the series, let alone wear it on my crotch.
Still, the lingerie itself isn’t too ugly, and a spokesperson for KappAhl (H&M’s less successful competitor, by the way) does a good impression of someone who’s not embarrassed to be working on the line. Carina Ladow tells Daily Mail,
It gives us an opportunity to offer our customers a feeling of luxury and frivolity in their everyday lives.
If your customers are big Fifty Shades fans, they’re probably already acquainted with frivolity. Just saying. An actual quote from the book:
Wow. I am in awe and slightly daunted by this underwear. Wow, they feel… slinky… and kind of hot… yeah.
Of course, as I’ve said before, you’re totally free to enjoy the series (and the lingerie!), and you deserve to do so without judgement. Just because I like to make fun of it doesn’t make it inherently stupid– I just wish it came with a warning label so younger fans can understand that the message is unhealthy. Unless that happens, I’ll continue to mock the series and its accompanying underwear until I’m fifty shades of dead. Seriously, what’s up with those paper snowflake-inspired blindfolds?