Let’s take a moment to talk about Sucker Punch.

First of all, it was horrible.

Second of all, it felt horrible in a really personal way. It felt as though they reached inside my head and found everything that had ever provoked a shocked/fearful emotional response in me – lobotomies! Nazis! Rape! Zombies! Mental asylums! Forced prostitution! Setting someone’s face on fire! Rape by someone eating French Onion Soup!  – and then they tossed all of those things into one big ball, and exclaimed “let’s slap some glitter on all of this and make it dance! Jon Hamm, crawl out of that bubble, you get yourself over here with an ice pick!”

It was deeply uncomfortable.

Probably more so because it was profoundly boring. It’s a deeply humorless movie. As one character – who was set up to be, by far, the most sympathetic character – expires, with her dying words I found myself wondering “what was her name, again?”

But it’s not my place to judge the movie. I’m sure you can read all about that at our sister site, Crushable, where they review movies.

Since this is a fashion and beauty website let’s talk about why so-called empowered “warrior women” are always dressed like they’re about to trot down the main stage at Scores.

Because one point this horrible, wretched movie (which I am in no way judging) made well was when one of the characters jumped up and said “Don’t you get it? All of this is to turn guys on!”

Which, well, yes. Got that.

But I cannot for the life of me understand why.

Look, wasn’t the whole point of this movie supposed to be about female empowerment? There’s literally not a single male – other than a geriatric, sexually non-threatening one – who is portrayed well. I can’t imagine dudes coming away from watching a teenage girl be sexually molested by her stepdad and thinking “God, I am so turned on right now!” Or, if they do, that is probably something they’d do well never to admit.

Given that the premise revolves around a gang of women overcoming obstacles to escape from a mental asylum/escape from a bordello/escape from zombie robots and dragons, isn’t this supposed to appeal to a female audience? To be perfectly honest, isn’t the target audience for this really angry teenage girls? And do angry teenage girls really need to see someone dressed up as though she’s about to audition for the Pussycat Dolls to feel like they can relate?

Or, do teenage girls want to see those girls kick ass, but also be reassured that ass kicking is really sexually attractive to men (whose asses they are kicking)? Do they want to be reassured that after they’re done dominating every problem, someone will still think they’re hot in their little pigtails? Even if that person is a rapist who eats French Onion soup?

God. Maybe we all do.

How depressing.

Look, I completely, wholeheartedly believe that someone’s fashion sense isn’t necessarily a reflection of their inner qualities. I don’t believe that if someone wears glasses, she must be smart (although she could be), and I don’t believe that if someone wears a mini-dress and makeup, she must be dumb (although, again, she could be).

But these aren’t real people. These are fake people. They are female characters in action movies who directors and costumers have seemingly decided need to be dressed a certain way in order to appeal to a certain audience (who may not even be male). Sure, I can give some leeway for the character in Sucker Punch imagining her comrades in sexually suggestive outfits in her bordello fantasy, but would she really see them strutting around in fishnets and leotards when she’s imagining them fighting giant robots? Why? That seems like really awkward robot-fighting gear. It’s a convention no one’s really made sense of.

But then, perhaps they’re just holding to traditon. Here are pictures of other female action heros. Let’s try to figure out whether their outfits make any sense in their stories:

[ITPGallery]