We generally try to stay positive here at The Gloss, but for Gwyneth Paltrow, we’ve made an exception. GOOP is a ridiculous website that has an entire page of psychobabble dedicated to “Conscious Uncoupling,” I’ve never liked her in a single movie, her style is almost exclusively terrible, if anyone in Hollywood liked her they would tell her to cut her damn hair, almost everything she says makes me want to scream, and hell, if Martha Stewart burned her than it’s a free for all up in here. “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart,” Martha said, God bless her.
All that said, writing this post makes me feel a smidgen of guilt that is promptly destroyed by an overwhelming sense of glee. (Ugh, don’t even get me started on those Glee episodes she was in.) So today, in honor of the embarrassing Mortdecai, we present Gwyneth Paltrow’s most embarrassing looks ever. Gwyneth, if you weren’t so damn pretentious I might not have to do this.
1. Bambi Awards 2011
Gwyneth is possibly more obsessed with sparkley dresses than teenage Taylor Swift, but this green monster is the worst by far.
We’re not at a frat party Gwyneth, you’re an adult.
3. Licensing Expo 2013
Sadly for Gwyneth, she also has a penchant for unfortunate satin, and pants that wrinkle in all the wrong places.
4. Marks Club, London
I will never understand the FUPA-outlining cord hanging from this belt.
5. Met Gala 2013
Poor Gwyneth always has such a terrible time at the Met Gala. It may or may not be the dress’ fault.
6. Iron Man 3 Premiere
You can almost see my butt!!! LOOK AT IT!!!
7. Stand Up To Cancer 2012
There’s nothing wrong with wearing a graphic tee for a good cause, but with the flippy middle school skirt and cheap stripper heels? Oh dear.
8. Austrian Schoolgirl Look
Gwyneth needs to throw out all of her grey tights.
9. 2011 Book Signing
See what I mean about the penchant for unfortunately shiny fabrics?
10. 2004 Banquet
11. 2011 Chelsea Flower Show
I can’t decide if I hate the khakis or the book promotion more.
12. National Movie Awards 2010
No, this was not a costume for the movie version of Hairspray. Did I mention Gwyneth also laaahhhhhvees pink?
13. Bent On Learning Benefit 2010
Gwyneth’s Sparkles: Diaper Edition.
14. Children Of The City Hope Benefit 2009
Gwyneth’s Sparkles: Alien Edition
15. Movie Screening 2009
Shiny shirt, shiny leather shorts, shiny tights. My retinas…they burn.
16. 2002 Oscars
Even Gwyneth herself admits this was a disaster. And amazingly, she also admitted that she really should’ve worn a bra.
17. Iron Man 2008
And again, the crinkles in the crotch. Oh and also, you know, the tuxedo jumpsuit with pleated bell bottoms and the weird rapper chain, but no bigs.
18. The 1999 Oscars
The classic, the nightmare.
19. 2001 Vogue After Party
I never thought I would uncover anything this bad.
20. Two Lovers Paris Premiere 2008
Peek-a-boo! Happy premiere Gwyneth, you keep finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.