When you enter the Skechers Shape-Ups store a cheery, robotic voice informs you “Skechers Shape-Ups may hurt a bit the  first time you wear them, because you’re getting a real workout!”

I was kind of excited by the thought that all the workouts I’d had prior, all the spinning classes and core fusion blends, all had been mere chicanery. Skecher’s Shape-Ups. The Real workout. “Yes,” I thought, “Bitch, bring. on. the. pain.” Or at least, the mild, work-out related discomfort.

And there were so many places they could bring that mild discomfort to! The advertisement promised that my new Skechers would:

* Improves posture
* Strengthens the back
* Firms buttocks muscles
* Reduces cellulite and tones thighs
* Firms calf muscles
* Improves blood circulation
* Tightens abdominal muscles

That’s interesting, because that is exactly what my Phyqiue57 class (it’s awesome, I highly recommend it) promises. Except that with that class I have to do a lot of sideplanks and leg lifts and weird squat things where I desperately clutch a ballet bar. I don’t like those. You know what I like? Walking.

I had every cause to expect to expect a little discomfort. I’m a frequent (daily) high heel wearer and imagined that spending a day in flats would be, at least, unusual.

I felt nothing.

No, scratch that, my toes felt a little sore at the end of the day. As though they were bruised. I think I probably should have gone a size up.

Now, it’s not as though I decided to just not walk that day. I wish I could say I felt nothing because my team of armed eunuchs carried me from place to place in my golden litter, or that I strapped a million hummingbirds to my body and trained them to fly in unison to my destination. I wish I could say that, because, whether I’m wearing Skechers Shape-Ups or not, I wish I could say that every day.

But instead, I walked the same 20 minute walk to work I always walk, and then 20 minutes back again at the end of the day. During lunch, I walked another 20 minutes to and from the lunch place. So, yeah, same amount of daily walking as always. No notable discomfort or stretchiness or feeling of having worked out whatsoever.

Just some sad little bruised toes.

Now, I’m comparing this to say, the 15 minutes of lazy sit-ups I do while watching Pretty Little Liars. I feel something when I do that. Soreness. These basically feel like walking around in platform shoes all day. Which is fine. If you find them aesthetically pleasing, great. Or if you feel obligated to walk more than you usually would because you’re wearing them, that’s great, too. But if you’re a regular exerciser, I just don’t think this is going to constitute a “real workout!”

Now, perhaps you are inclined to say, “Jennifer, a woman of steel such as yourself would OF COURSE not feel anything when walking in Skechers Shape-Ups. They are a workout only for people who, before strapping them on, have never walked a day in their lives. Did you know that the average person in Houston Texas walks a mere half mile every day? That’s like the distance people walk to the supermarket next to their house in a walking city. This probably is a good workout for those people, because it gets them out and walking.”

And I would reply, “well, that’s an interesting fact. But is Peyton Manning not a “real exerciser?” Why is he advertising these if they don’t work? He is on all the advertisements.”

And you would say “sometimes people lie for money, Jennifer. I’m sorry Peyton Manning maybe was less than truthful with you.”

Well, thanks a lot for destroying my faith in the moral character of our NFL all stars. I’m going to strap myself back into my nice normal pumps, and relegate these Shape-Ups to the back of my closet. Though actually, I might wear them to my next spin class. You know. For a real workout.