I’ve always been terrible at peeing anywhere but a decently clean bathroom. I lack the quad strength to squat properly, and when I do try to pee standing up, I tend to pee all over myself. I got a little bit better at it when traveling through Mexico, but I still had to wear a dress and take my underwear off completely so that the only things I peed on were my easy to clean legs. Not ideal!
In light of these facts, I’ve wanted to try out one of those pee funnel thingies for a while, and I figured this past weekend’s camping trip would be as good a time as any to do it. Technically, there was a bathroom there, but it was relatively far from my tent, and somewhat hard to find in the dark, especially when intoxicated. Which I planned to be.
Before leaving the city, I stopped by Babeland to check out what kinds of urination accessories they had. As it turned out, they had two, the “pStyle” and the “Go Girl,” but the sex educator on duty strongly steered me towards the pStyle for its inability to overflow and its ability to point the stream outwards and away from my shoes, just like a real penis would.
Made out of easy-to-clean plastic, the p-style has a simple yet elegant design. You simply place it under your urethra, point it wherever you like (Tree? River? Person? The sky’s the limit!) and piss like a man. When you’re done, simply squeegee forward (it doesn’t come into contact with your butt, so it’s okay) and put it…wherever it is that you want to keep a pee-covered shenis. I chose the hood of my friend’s car. (I know it’s technically called a pStyle, but I like “shenis” better, so I’m using them interchangeably like people do with Kleenex and tissues.)
That all sounded easy enough, but how would it work when I was tripping balls at 6am?
The first time I used my shenis, I’d been smoking jazz cigarettes down by the river and the bathroom seemed too far away to even think about walking to. Was I going to have to submerge myself in the icy water? Then I remembered I had a shenis, and skipped over to the car to get it. I documented this momentous occasion with a photo (above).
It took me a minute to get the shenis into the right position, during which time I peed on my hand a little. But once I got the hang of it, it was glorious! As I watered the roots of the tree, I realized a whole new world had opened up to me that I’d hitherto only dreamed of. No longer dependent on things like “bathrooms” and “toilet paper,” I could go where I liked, do what I liked, write my name in the snow if I liked. I was, and remain, a woman liberated.
After that, there was no stopping me. I peed on trees, in the river, here, there, and everywhere. One guy asked me if I’d use it to pee on him, and I said “maybe later.” No matter my outfit or level of intoxication, I was able to operate the device flawlessly. (You haven’t lived until you’ve tinkled through a glowing plasma curtain.) In a moment of need, one of my friends tried it too, and she agreed that it was wonderful. And in addition to enjoying my new appendage, I feel like I understand men just a little bit better now. Like, I’ve realized why my boyfriend will go in the yard so cavalierly when the bathroom is just 50 feet away: simply put, peeing outdoors is awesome. I can’t believe I slept on it so long.
They say you can even use this thing through the fly of your pants, but as I spent most of the weekend in a bikini and/or poncho, I haven’t gotten to try that out yet. I’m sure it works very well. It’s fucking magic.
Here is where you can buy a pStyle. Do it. It will seriously change your life.
And as for those of who are already good at peeing outside…well, bully for you. But I bet you’d be even better at it with a shenis.